Arousal, Love and Sex Part 2

How men and women differ in their approach to orgasm

Men want a lot of orgasms, fairly constantly. They often decide they need a certain number of orgasms each week, and may sometimes behave rather demandingly or childishly if they don’t get them.

If a woman doesn’t want to have sex, communicating this to her partner and reassuring him that he’s in no danger of being refused sex for ever is important to keep him happy.

But equally, there’s no excuse for a woman refusing sex as a means to exert power in a relationship. Communication, not manipulating your partner by withholding sex, is the key to equality in a relationship.

What next? Well, men are programmed, as most women will have worked out for themselves, to try and have their orgasms while their penis is inside a woman, preferably without a condom.

It’s a very basic biological urge, and for a man it represents the highest degree of sexual pleasure possible. Although, of course, without a partner he’ll always be happy to masturbate!

Oral sex may come a close second to vaginal intercourse, but once again, the imperative for a man is to ejaculate inside a woman. His instinctive biological urge is not refined enough to discriminate between ejaculating inside a woman’s vagina and inside her mouth!

If there is a comparatively urgent need in women, it’s a need for love, touching, appreciation, respect and closeness.

And while women want orgasms, they certainly prefer to have them with men to whom they have an emotional attachment. It is true to say that women want orgasms with the man they love, while men love to have orgasms with the woman they are with.

But what this trite saying doesn’t acknowledge is that fact that men come to experience love through the force of their sexual and orgasmic energy. Sex puts a man in touch with his loving feelings: men need sex to feel love, while women need love to feel sexy. Ok, that’s a generalization. But generalizations can be helpful.

How to (help a woman) reach orgasm easily

Some of these suggestions about how to reach orgasm are for men; some for couples; others work for a woman on her own.


Make love to her outside the bedroom! Pay attention to her desire to be romanced and loved and wooed as a beautiful woman. Think of the little things that will make her feel special and show her that you care about her.

These really will turn her heart on to you: and a woman who has warm feelings for you in her heart will soon have warm feelings for you in her genitals.

Whatever you do, don’t compare her in any way whatsoever with previous lovers, even if she tries to get you to do so (“What was W like when she came?” “Am I better looking than X?” “What size were Y’s breasts?”).

Just tell your lover how much you like her breasts, bottom, vagina, clitoris, thighs, hair, lips, face, personality, or whatever it is that you adore about her. That’s what will give her more confidence and permission to enjoy her body – and thereby yours – sexually. And don’t forget to tell her that you love her – if that’s true.

Be patient. Allow her at least ten or twenty times the length of foreplay you would need to get turned on and ready for sex.

According to a poll among New York women, foreplay should go on for at least thirty minutes. In one survey in Scotland, women said they wanted at least an hour’s foreplay before sexual contact.

Give her your attention lovingly and freely. Don’t do it grudgingly. There’s no need to resent lengthy foreplay, anyway, since it can be a great turn on for you. Kissing is a very romantic and loving act for most women, so become an expert kisser (remember to kiss her a lot outside of the bedroom as well!).

If you like the sight and scent of her vulva and vagina, give her extended oral sex before intercourse, telling her how much you love doing that for her.

She may not understand that nearly all well-adjusted, sexually balanced, heterosexual men simply adore having their face in a woman’s genitals! Learn how to massage her body, slowly, lovingly and sensuously.

Let her come before you do. This is incredibly successful in helping a woman enjoy sex more. If you focus on her arousal – and orgasm – before your own, she will be warm, willing, wet, and much more desirous of having your penis in her vagina when you come to penetration.

And what may surprise you is that a delay between getting aroused and coming will make your own orgasm much more powerful as well!

Learn about her cycle. Many women have days in their cycle when they are gasping for sex, and other times when they just aren’t interested. Learn about her sexy days – ask her about them if you want – and you are much more likely to reach an agreeable sexual schedule.

Realize that what worked yesterday may not work today. Men find this very hard to understand; it just isn’t the way we work. Men tend to find something that works and stick to it.

It’s hard to understand why a woman who came when you used a certain technique last week doesn’t want you to use it today, or even finds it irritating.

And what works for her in the early stages of her arousal may be different to what she wants later on as she nears orgasm. There’s more information on specific techniques lower down this page.

According to a sizeable minority of women, their best orgasms are when their partner’s penis is inside them. For a woman like this, even if she needs clitoral stimulation to get to orgasm, the feeling of union and connection that comes from you being deep inside her gives her the greatest satisfaction.

So watch out for this – it may mean that your partner wants you inside her even if she hasn’t been able to reach orgasm – anorgasmia – or that she wants to come first and then enjoy feeling you inside her, perhaps with another orgasm, or that she wants to come while you are in her (in which case one of you may have to find a way of reaching her clitoris while you thrust).

Experiment with gentle thrusting or even remaining still with your erect cock inside her as she masturbates or uses a vibrator. Or try using two fingers to stimulate her as you lick or finger her clitoris. This will work very well if she enjoys a feeling of fullness in her lower vagina (see below).

Bear in mind that you can only help a woman reach orgasm, you can’t dish them out! It’s important to remember, of course, that no-one “gives” anyone an orgasm !


Set the mood correctly. Make sure you have time and place to be undisturbed, or, if you want a quickie, or you’re trying sex in the open air, that everything is how you like it. Get away from the kids or hire a babysitter if necessary so that you can get time alone.

Remember, time and place aren’t as significant to him as they are to you, so you may need to set the scene (unless he’s an incurable romantic). If your man isn’t into bubble baths, candles and oils, silks and subdued lighting, you may have some education to do!

Communicate directly what you want. Men are not good at playing guessing games or deciphering clues. Unfortunately women, who tend to be very intuitive, think men are, or should be, or that they will learn to be, if given time.

The truth is he won’t know what’s going on if you leave him clues and then get upset when he doesn’t understand what you want. You have to say what you want from a man. That’s how it is! Please don’t misunderstand this: it’s great that men and women are different.

But sometimes we have to accept those differences instead of wishing our partner was just like us. Remember that if a man was like a woman, you’d probably miss the things than make him male.

Equally, communicate what you don’t want. It’s no use assuming he’s going to pick up your signals that you don’t want sex, and then feeling affronted when he still initiates things. You need to say how you’re feeling, and why, and when you will want sex, and maybe what you can do instead for him.

Play with yourself. Although many women enjoy masturbating, surveys show that only 70% or so masturbate to orgasm regularly. (It may surprise you to know that nearly all men masturbate regularly, including those who are in a relationship.

This may include your partner, even if you don’t think he masturbates.) A lot of women think masturbation is bad – often as a result of a strict upbringing. Well, masturbation is definitely very good for you!

And what’s more, it can help you learn more about your body, more about what you like to do to reach orgasm, and more about what will make you come.

This in turn will help you to reach orgasm during sex with your partner. In short, self-exploration is a healthy, enjoyable and perfectly natural function of your body. And masturbating in front of your partner, if and when you’re ready to do that, is likely to be an incredible turn-on for him.

Buy a vibrator. If you’ve never tried a vibrator, get online and buy one on the internet. You can have it delivered discreetly to your house through the mail, and no-one need ever know about it. You may find it a revolutionary experience.

Set aside enough time to enjoy experimenting in a warm room where you feel relaxed and comfortable and you won’t be disturbed.

Try both clitoral and vaginal stimulation. You may need clitoral stimulation to actually come, but you may find you’re able to experience some very different sensations with G spot stimulation. And you may find that the best orgasms of all are a result of combined G spot and clitoral stimulation. You can read more about this further down the page.

Exercise your PC muscle. The pubococcygeus, or PC, muscle plays a role in orgasm. It’s the one you tighten up when you stop yourself passing urine or faeces. Exercises to tone up this muscle are taught to women after childbirth, but a toned PC muscle is also important in enjoying good orgasms.

The muscle contracts at orgasm and contributes a large part of the pleasurable feelings from the pulsations of your pelvic region. You can tone up your PC by tightening it up and releasing it twenty times a day, morning and evening.

You can do this in two parts, first tightening up the front part by pretending you are holding back your urine flow, and then tightening up the back part as though you’re holding back a bowel movement.

Fantasize. The right fantasy can help you reach orgasm, no matter how shocking or sexy it may seem. Remember, fantasy doesn’t hurt anyone!

However, if your fantasy involves some famous Hollywood star making love to you, it might be best not to share it with your partner (if he happens to be the one actually making love to you at the time, that is!)

Masturbate and play with yourself during sex. Just do it! If your partner seems offended that his efforts alone don’t get you to orgasm, just tell him you need a little extra help to get there.

Masturbation can play a large part in your sex life, with or without your partner; perhaps if you’re still aroused, you can masturbate to orgasm during a session of lovemaking as he rests after his orgasm. This may arouse him again, so perhaps you can then enjoy a second bout of intercourse. Or whatever!

Allow your multiple orgasms to flow. Having multiple orgasms isn’t actually that unusual! Research shows that over 60% of women are multiply orgasmic at least some of the time.

A woman’s arousal declines slowly after orgasm, so the best time for her to enjoy another orgasm is soon after the last one. Ask your man to pleasure you – or if he’s asleep, do it yourself with your fingers on your clitoris, and perhaps one or two fingers inside your vagina.

Enjoy making love in positions which give you control over your arousal and orgasm. The CAT and woman on top sex positions are best for this.


Lots of women say that their best orgasms are achieved when their partner is stimulating them both clitoral and vaginally. There are many ways you can do this, but here’s one that we have found to be very successful.

First, the man uses the pad of his fingertips (or his thumb and fingers) to gently massage all over the woman’s vulva. Try to move your fingers in a smooth, sweeping motion up and down her labia, her vaginal opening and the sides of her vulva, while initially avoiding her clitoris.

Plenty of lubricant is necessary – saliva is best, so a little oral sex play can be mixed in with this finger play.

Having your head down there, as if you were going to give her oral sex, makes it easier to transfer saliva from your mouth to her vulva. Gentle and soft touches are likely to be most exciting for her; however, as every woman is different, a certain amount of feedback from her to you is helpful in guiding your progress.

Feedback needs to be delivered in a positive way, so comments like these are forbidden: “What are you doing?” “Will you stop that!” “No, you’re not doing it right!” Instead, say things like, “Mmm, that feels good, but can you just move a little more slowly/gently/up-and-down/side to side/harder?” and so on.

Questions from the man that require only one word answers are good, as they keep his partner from going into her head and thinking, which may slow down or stop her progress towards orgasm. For example: “More?” “Faster?” “Harder?”

As she begins to get more aroused, you might want to move closer to her clitoris, rubbing along its sides, or perhaps sliding your fingertip underneath it in an upwards stroke that begins at her vaginal opening. In the mid-range of her sexual arousal, fairly regular, repetitive movements are likely to be the most exciting for her.

You might try, for example, moving your fingers in a circle over her clitoris or round her labia and over the top of her clitoris.

At some point she will begin to show signs of increasing arousal, such as moving her hips up to meet the pressure of your hand on her vulva.

At this point you can increase the pressure and perhaps the speed of your movements a little, though it is important to remember that women often don’t want you to speed up when they begin to get excited.

So if she moans with pleasure, don’t assume you should go faster! Continuous, rhythmic, and consistent stimulation is best until she’s near her orgasm.

Think of this: if you, as a man, are masturbating, you will very likely move your hand harder and faster over your penis the more excited you get. For a woman, this increase in speed may not be desirable until she’s very near her orgasm.

So, to reiterate, if she starts moaning with pleasure don’t necessarily assume that she wants you to go harder and faster with your fingers. She may just want a little extra pressure but the same speed of movements.

As she gets more excited, she will begin to lubricate. When this happens, and you sense she’s getting fairly aroused, you can insert a finger or two into her vagina.

There are three regions to focus on: the first is the vaginal opening itself, and the area around it on her vulva, including the opening to her urethra.

Many women find it very sexy and exciting to have a moist fingertip exploring these areas, teasing with a hint of penetration, then maybe withdrawing and then going back to press a little further into her. Your thumb is particularly good for this.

(By the way, you’re still playing with her clitoris and vulva with your other hand all the time you’re “fingering” her vagina! It takes a little practice to become adept at this, but it isn’t too hard.)

The second area to concentrate on is the lower part of her vagina itself. This is very sensitive to penetration, as you might expect.

Many women find a sense of fullness just inside their vagina to be exquisitely exciting. They will tell you that it isn’t the length of a penis that is important but its width, since it stretches this sensitive area as their partner’s penis penetrates them and moves inside.

You can recreate this excitement for a woman by gently sliding two fingers, side by side, into her. You will stretch this part of her vagina and most likely give her some delightful sensations. Just make sure your fingernails are trimmed and clean!

Some women like to be “finger fucked” at this point, especially if they are about to come. You can use one or two fingers to do this.

The excitement is partly because finger fucking mimics penetration, partly because it stimulates the G spot.

And the G spot is actually the third area which needs attention in this combined vaginal/clitoral stimulation technique.

If a woman is already aroused she will probably respond to this combined touch on her clitoris, vulva and inside her vagina with a quick and dramatic increase in her arousal and excitement.

At this point, it is possible to apply more direct pressure to her clitoris, either inside its hood or with its glans exposed. This in turn will probably bring her rapidly towards orgasm.

A combination of slightly faster movements of your finger on or over her clitoris and finger movements on or over her G spot are likely to be the fastest and best route to orgasm.

With combined stimulation like this, her orgasm may be noisy and she may thrash around a lot; and if you have been massaging her G spot for some time there may be a little spurt of female ejaculate as she comes.

Something important to note is that many women find their clitoris to be too sensitive to bear any touch after they have come, just as the glans of your penis may be too sensitive.

If your partner tells you to stop, then stop! On the other hand, continued stimulation can sometimes take her to another orgasmic peak….it all depends on the woman concerned, and how her sexuality is manifesting that day.

Not only are all women different in how they enjoy sex, but each woman is different from day to day!