Obstacles to making love

Erectile Dysfunction and Delayed Ejaculation

We should now take a brief look at erectile dysfunction, for the benefit of those men for whom that challenge  is associated with Delayed Ejaculation.

Stanley Althof of the Department of Urological Psychology, Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, Ohio, has written an article in the International Journal of Impotence Research about research into the biopsychosocial obstacles to making love when a man is being treated for erection problems.

He introduces this article by making the observation that  it is easy enough for a man to develop a man a firm erection. However, getting him to “make use of it” on a regular basis in a sexual relationship is not quite as straightforward. Dropout rates for any treatment for erectile dysfunction, including Viagra, have been found to fall within a range of 20 to 50%.

Bear in mind that this dropout rate is from a group of men for whom treatment has been successful. Clearly, understanding what promotes this dropout will be helpful in improving treatment.

Simplistically, it appears that psychological resistance of some kind on the part of the men, their partners, or both, contributes to a man continuing with treatment for erectile dysfunctio(or not). The factors implicated include in ending treatment include: (1) the length of time that a couple have not had sex before treatment was available; (2) the man’s attitude to resuming sexual relationship with his partner; (3) a man’s expectations of how treatment will change his sex life; (4) his partner’s willingness and ability, both physically and emotionally, to recommence a sexual relationship; (5) how each partner views the impact of the medical intervention that allows them to start having sex again; (6) the quality of their relationship outside the sexual arena; and (7) any abnormalities or variations from the norm in the sexual arousal process for the man.

We know no single treatment for erection problems works for everybody, and not every patient is equally able to absorb the nuances and complexities of different treatment strategies. Here’s a video on the subject:

Video – erectile dysfunction

It’s possible, therefore, that sometimes treatment never even starts because a man does not have enough confidence to embark on the treatment, Perhaps some men fear there will be some unexpected and disturbing s consequences if they accept treatment. Like, for example, having to resume sexual intercourse with their partner: treatment can disturb a comfortable status quo..

A simple example of the education that is sometimes necessary is that many men do not know that the efficiency of drugs like Viagra actually improves the more you take it, at least up to the eighth dose. 

Because of this, Althof makes the observation that the best way of analyzing why men stop treatment is to take the problem from a broad view, from a biopsychosocial perspective. 

In this situation, a clinician will often prescribe an effective remedy for erectile dysfunction (perhaps Viagra) and then consider that the situation is resolved. However, this approach does not consider any emotional or psychological aspects arising from the treatment strategy or the man’s relationship.

For example, he may be consumed with performance anxiety, or depressed, or he may have unrealistic expectations of sex. Or he may have an unconventional sexual arousal process which includes sadomasochism,  transvestism or some other paraphilia.

Also, a man’s partner’s ill-health or lack of interest in sex may preclude the resumption of lovemaking, or the quality of their relationship may be such that sex simply does not resume.

There are other factors which may be personal to either member of a couple or both of them. For example, their sexual script(s) or the length of time for which they have been sexually continent. Or, they may be experiencing stress with finance, children, family, or work pressure, any of which can get in the way of resumption of sex.

A typical profile of a man with erectile dysfunction

Althof presents a profile of a typical patient who presents for treatment of erectile dysfunction dysfunction at his own clinic. This summarized character is a 54-year-old married man who has actually delayed seeking help for two years. During this period he may have developed feelings of inadequacy, resentment, depression, and possibly performance anxiety.

Typically, he will have developed behavioral strategies which allow him to avoid confronting his sexual situation: he may have begun to go to bed before or after his partner, and he will provide plausible excuses as to why he cannot make love, for example being “too old” or “too tired”. Another possibility is that he may experience shame due to not being able to delay ejaculation.

Evidently the goal of this behavior is to avoid any embarrassment or failure during sexual activity. This will be especially true if the man is experiencing delayed ejaculation. However, the outcome is that the couple’s lovemaking frequency slowly dwindles. Maybe it declines to once a month, then it becomes even less frequent, and then stops altogether. He loses his sexual desire, and becomes involved with distractions such as his work, television, the children, or volunteering.

It’s not only intercourse that disappears – any kind of affectionate touch or anything else that may be perceived by his partner as a suggestion that he is feeling sexually attracted to her may also absent from the couple’s interaction with each other.

Video – how romance fades – the sex starved relationship

The man’s partner begins to wonder if she is still attractive, whether he still loves her, or whether he’s having an affair. Her experience of him may be that he is slightly depressed, preoccupied, irritable or defensive; and she may collude with him in avoiding sex so that the pain of feeling rejected is lessened, or the pressure to have sex is avoided.

While some men do actually come for treatment for erectile dysfunction at the request of their partner, others seek treatment without notifying their partner of what they’re doing. And in these cases a man may come back from his consultation with a prescription for Viagra, which results in him sporting an erection that he presents to his partner totally unexpectedly. In response to this his partner may feel a mixture of surprise and anger and some anxiety about what is expected of her.

He may also be experiencing anxiety about his ability to engage in sexual activity. It’s important to realize that in these circumstances a woman may feel as if she has been betrayed because the man’s erection is not a response to her attractiveness, but merely to the response to the medication.

It is further possible that she may not be able to lubricate or to become aroused adequately. This may be because of the difficulties that his actions have caused, or because she has simply moved into a menopausal stage of her life and her attitude to sex has changed.

With this background, clearly sex may not be particularly rewarding, and the motivation to try again maybe reduced – perhaps to zero. A man can summarize what happened by telling his doctor that the Viagra “did not work“.

It requires careful investigation by a practiced clinician to discover the level of fear and anxiety and other emotions that have arisen in the years when the couple were celibate, and to recognize also that the couple will now probably need help in restoring full sexual function to their relationship.

This summary of information about erection problems describes some reasons why a man may discontinue treatment for erectile dysfunction. However, it does not cover cases where an unconventional pattern of sexual arousal or lack of sexual desire plays a part. (Men may hide these aspects of their sexual life because of fear of humiliation or embarrassment.)

Since Viagra is not an aphrodisiac it will not induce an erection when there is a lack of sexual desire.

Althof claims that an integrated treatment approach which combines psychological therapy and pharmacological therapy is superior to an approach which involves either aspect of treatment alone.  

Although it seems logical to assume this would in fact the case, Althof makes the point that designing suitable research project to investigate these issues is rather challenging. He refers to a report of an uncontrolled, combined treatment study involving only 57 men given both Viagra and psychotherapy.

Although the mean age of the patients was 53, the age range was from 21 to 75 years with the erectile dysfunction having existed for between one month and a rather amazing 38 years, with a mean of eight years. 78% of this limited sample had experienced psychotherapy for an average duration of two years.

The doctors assessed the origin of the erectile dysfunction as being psychogenic in 52% of the men, organic in 22% of the men, of mixed origin in 22% of the men; the remaining 3% of men had erection problems of uncertain origin. All the men received both Viagra and psychotherapy, and were seen at intervals ranging from weekly to every two months.

The dose of Viagra was altered so that the chance of the men being able to accomplish intercourse successfully was as high as possible, and the men were evaluated five weeks into treatment and again at 10 weeks after they had received the first prescription for Viagra.

Although the results of this study were limited and did not involve qualitative data, the responses of the men to the treatment did provide some qualitative data which was classified into one of seven categories, four of which indicated success, and three of which were variations of failure.


The Nature of Love and Sex

Sex and Love

If you have difficulty reaching orgasm during intercourse, or you find yourself thrusting away until both you and your partner are sore and frustrated, you may well have delayed ejaculation. This is also known as retarded ejaculation, or male orgasmic disorder, and it affects a very high number of men…. about one in twelve at any one time.

You can find an effective, easy and quick treatment for delayed ejaculation on the internet – for example, for men who do not wish to see a doctor, this powerful delayed ejaculation treatment can effectively end the problem with self-help treatments.

For women, there is advice on how to relax your sexual responses, become more familiar with your body and its sexual responses, and learn how to relax into orgasm and reach orgasm during sex.

Want To Last Longer During Sex?

Would you like to choose when to ejaculate during sex? Want to develop complete ejaculatory control? Like to take your lover (and yourself) to the highest levels of sexual pleasure? Look here.

The nature of love

Accepting, respecting, admiring, adoring: these are some of the important aspects of loving. “Home,” said one man who was interviewed in a study of successful marriages, “means you can expose your weaknesses without shame, can brag a little without fear of misunderstanding, and can make mistakes without being ridiculed.”

 In other words, in his home and in his marital relationship he had the satisfaction of being accepted for what he was.

Accepting a person for what he or she is means having no reservations. It certainly does not mean being blind to shortcomings but on the contrary means being aware of them and accepting them too within the relationship.

And this includes not overlooking things which you really wish were different about your partner – including losing weight and dieting if they are obese or fat.

It is in the love relationship that people remove their “character armor,” but do not do so unless they are sure that without it they are unreservedly accepted by their partner.

To want to fashion the other person into a particular mold is not love but possessiveness. Love is fully accepting one’s partner without reservation despite the fact that they are not the same as one’s ideal.

When couples make love for the first time they often expose their nakedness to each other with some trepidation, both afraid that they will fall short of the other’s ideal of physical beauty.

Yet to accept the naked body, with all its imperfections, is truly to love.

People who are casual about sex do not, of course, appreciate or experience the significance of nakedness, for they do not sense the identity of the body and its vulnerability, and they are inclined to be, as Rollo May has written, “more wary of psychological and spiritual nakedness than they are of the physical nakedness in sexual intimacy.”

Extended Orgasm Pleasure

There are many simple methods by which you can enhance the duration of your orgasms and the amount of pleasure you feel. Indeed, orgasms lasting over an hour may be achieved.

And though you may think this is unlikely, think of this: the average orgasm – even for women (whose orgasmic capacity is greater than men’s) – consists of a mere ten or so muscular contractions lasting a few seconds. But the process of learning how to enhance orgasms is fairly simple…. and you can read more about them on this website.

Desire, Excitement, and Arousal

Two people making love – or, if you prefer, having sex – might enjoy an experience something like this: first of all they felt chemistry between them, an electric spark of attraction.

Then they kissed, and arousal grew, her panties becoming damp, and his erection mounting. Kissing gave way to feeling each other up, fondling, caressing, and his erection became harder and she lubricated more.

Continued stimulation led to sucking, more kissing, mutual pleasuring and eventually lovemaking.

At first sight, this looks like a simple process, beginning with desire and ending in a mutual orgasm, but the fact is that in both men and women, sexual arousal is composed of three distinct phases: desire, excitement, and orgasm.

We shall examine each of these more closely on this site where the nature of love is explained in detail.

How To Enjoy Better Sex – Part 2

How To Enjoy Better Sex

Many people think that there is only one “normal” or “natural” position for intercourse, the “man on top” sex position. And if the physical structures of the partners’ bodies or their genitals place them at a disadvantage in this position and prevent the fullest pleasure in sex activity, they may never even find out that they could do much better in other sexual positions.

In reality, any and every type of foreplay or sexual position is permissible and acceptable, regardless of foreplay and position. Of course, sexual expertise and delight are not a guarantee of a happy relationship because a premature ending to lovemaking caused by man’s inability to control his arousal is devastating to a woman. No surprise that one of the most popular searches on the web is for tips to control premature ejaculation.

A quick climax to physical intimacy (in other words, premature ejaculation!) can deprive the woman of the fulfilment which is her reward from loving her partner. She will perhaps feel that her partner either does not take her needs into account or that he is selfish. And a man who reaches climax with no control often feels like he is a failure in bed.

None of this is helpful for the relationship, especially if the matter is not honestly discussed. However, the fear and shame associated with sexual problems is massively stressful, and the two partners often carry on even though this important dysfunction continues to erode trust and respect. If you recognize this, you must indeed change things!

First of all, you must speak about it openly: this means you tell your partner what you are feeling. Unfortunately, the fact is our research shows as few as ten percent of couples talk to each other about intimate problems. So, to help you discuss your thoughts, feelings and emotions around sex, we have some tips to help you:

1) Reveal your emotions – don’t use the tactic of avoiding responsibility by blaming your spouse. Having the ability to listen without judging means you’ll experience much less resistance – and your partner is probably going to be very much more willing and able to listen to what you want to say without judging you.

2) Don’t project your feelings – having the courage to accept that you are “in this together” is essential to eliminating mutual distrust. Only when you are able to accept that your lover’s actions and feelings are an honest reaction to the issues you face, and that they are entitled to think, feel and act as they do, will you begin to respect each other as you really are.

3) Don’t wallow in self-criticism. Doing something is more constructive. This may require getting the support of a therapist. Or it may mean something as simple as reserving a time every week to speak to your partner about your worries.

4) If you have trouble opening up about difficulties with your love life consider the things you want to “bring to the table” beforehand. Preparing like this is essential in achieving the respect of your partner. It’s also helpful to know your limits in any talk about sex. That way you are be much more likely to avoid concessions you regret.

5) Be clear about why you are raising the issue. It’s often challenging to have full awareness of what’s behind our emotions, and it’s likely you might only fully realize the real issue as you talk about the issue. And, if you are clear what you would like to change, you are more likely to get it. The more genuinely you show yourself, the more honestly you talk about what’s going on for you, the closer you will feel as a couple.

Secondly, work as a couple on a proven self-help solution for treating male sexual problems. You can discover much more about how to do this by reading a good book which will allow you to see how all of these problems come form our early experiences in childhood and young adulthood. Here is the one I recommend: King Warrior Magician Lover It is available in the UK (previous link) and the US (this link).

Techniques To Help You Have Better Sex

When you have a clear intention to control premature ejaculation, and when you have a clear set of techniques which will allow you to achieve this goal – those techniques will include dedicated focus, visualization, and perhaps sensate focus – then you are very likely to be able to achieve this goal.

Now, think of the reward that you get from sex. And now imagine how much greater that reward could possibly be if you were not only able to control your ejaculation, but you were also able to give a woman an orgasm during intercourse, or indeed if you were able to experience the thrill and excitement of G spot orgasm and female ejaculation.

What I’m doing is just bringing to your attention the fact that there are techniques that you can use to improve the quality of your sex life enormously. Whether you wish to control delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction, there are ways and means of helping yourself to overcome emotional and practical problems during sex.

Yet at the end of the day, improving your sex life in this way such a personal decision that almost nobody can encourage you to do it apart from you yourself. It’s a notable fact that most men with premature ejaculation don’t respond to pleas from their partner to delay their ejaculation – so they’re not likely to do it without the internal motivation necessary to seek and achieve a better life.

Whether that better life is achieved by improving one’s relationship with oneself or one’s relationship with the world or one’s relationship with one’s partner, the truth of the matter is that gaining a fantastic sex life is always a matter of intention.

How To Pleasure A Woman

Video – how to please your girl in bed

It’s not always easy, knowing how to please a woman in bed. You need some help, some advice, some knowledge of what women really want.

First of all, you need to have time and patience. Oh yes, and some skill, of course. But really, time and patience go a long way. You see, we know it takes ten to twenty times longer to turn a woman on than it takes to turn a man on.

And by “turn on”, we mean get her (or you) ready for sex. That would mean lubricated and wanting to be penetrated in the case of a woman, and erect and ready for penetration in the case of a man.

So – if you have time on your hands, so much the better. Twenty minutes of time before you even look for penetration. And in that time, you are going to stroke, kiss, tease, kiss, stroke, tease… and use your fingers, tongue and lips, as well as the whole of your skin, to give your partner an orgasm. Yes, give her an orgasm. That’s because sex doesn’t finish when a woman comes.

(Think how often sex finishes when a man ejaculates. Usually, yes?)

So you are going to do things differently – you are going to take account of her needs. But why, you may be asking, does she need an orgasm before penetration?

Well, because (as you may have noticed) a woman will rarely come from intercourse alone.

And even if you provide additional clitoral stimulation, by using a vibrator, or your fingers, as you make love to her, you may well reach orgasm before she does. And then, where does that leave her?

Answer – unsatisfied. Aroused, but hanging on for an orgasm.

Sure, you might say, she can take care of herself. Well, yes. She can. But is that really what you want to have happen here?

She’s looking to you for sexual pleasure, and you, my dear man, are most likely wanting to give it to her. After all, most men are highly motivated to give sexual pleasure to their partners.

The first and perhaps the best way of doing this is to use oral pleasure – and I don’t mean by that simply cunnilingus.

What I mean is using your lips and tongue to kiss every part of your woman’s body, sensitively and delicately, particularly around the breasts and vulva. Such intimate contact will excite her – without a doubt.

But when you move from the intimate contact of lips on skin to lips on genitals or breasts or nipples, she’s going to feel arousal increasing and her desire to sexual contact will mount quite rapidly.

It’s a cunning technique which allows you to arouse a woman AND at the same time stay aroused yourself.

(But at this point I need to mention the fact that erections come and go during lovemaking. If you lose your erection during lovemaking, it really doesn’t matter. It’ll come back again quickly and easily, as soon as you’re in a position to penetrate your partner.)

The key to teasing your partner is to give her a level of stimulation which arouses her so much that she is ready for penetration.

You can tell this quite easily by sipping a finger into her vagina just as she starts to get really aroused.

One method which you can use to good effect here is to offer her oral pleasuring on her clitoris whilst you finger the inside of her vagina. This is a great way for you to give her the greatest pleasure as you make love.

Go for the upper wall as she lies on her back – that’s the G spot. Certainly of all the techniques recommended by sex experts on the Internet, and indeed by women themselves in forums where they discuss what they want, this seems to be the featured and favorite technique that brings a woman off time and time again.

It’s the intensity of arousal at the point where she finally comes which makes her orgasm extremely satisfying and pleasurable for her.

And what makes her arousal so high? It’s teasing and skilful manipulation of her feelings which you, as a man, can provide for her. Does it take a lot of imagination to make foreplay last for 20 minutes?

Well, up to a point it does, but you can do it! Don’t forget that the reward for you is a woman who reaches orgasm when she is highly aroused.

This in itself is hugely exciting for most men – after all, you’ve brought her off!

What makes it even better is that once she’s achieved orgasm, she won’t lose interest in sex in the way that you probably do.

Indeed, she’d probably be more desirous of penetration, for you to enter her, when she’s come. That way she will enjoy lovemaking to the full.

In fact she is quite likely to be desperate for penetration, and consumed with desire to feel the fullness of you inside her. (With a force equal to your desire to be in her. Felt that, have you? Then you know what she wants, too.)

After she’s come, the soft warm wetness of her vagina will be deeply rewarding and intensely pleasurable to you. And, provided you’re able to last long enough, you may or may not be able to bring her to orgasm again.

Sure, this is not guaranteed, but it really doesn’t matter even if you don’t take her to a second orgasm during lovemaking. Think of it as a bonus.

However, what you must do, is to look her in the eyes as you make love. Allow her body to follow your movements. (Coital alignment is good for this.) And, above all, if you’re able to, say her name at the moment of orgasm! 

(Better – shout “I love you, my darling [insert name]” as you come. It will have extraordinary effect on her…..)

By doing these things you demonstrate yourself to be a man who is quite exceptional in his lovemaking skills and abilities.

You demonstrate sensitivity to her needs which most men won’t even think of showing.

As you can well imagine, this is going to establish a much stronger relationship and a more powerful bond between you.

But it also makes her happy both inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

Truly, you can improve the quality of your relationship immensely by offering her the sexual pleasure and satisfaction she craves.

And all it takes are the simple techniques for pleasuring which I’ve described above.

Video – How To Please A Woman In Bed