Patterns Of Delayed Ejaculation

Characteristics Of Men Who Have Delayed Ejaculation

In some way they don’t have a close connection with their own sexuality, or perhaps even with male sexuality in general. This is a bit like being cut off from oneself – it’s almost like a denial of part of you. And many of us know, it’s easier to deny a part of us than to face the pain it holds if it’s been wounded in childhood. In fact that’s a standard defense mechanism.

Because of the disconnection between what’s happening in the world and one’s awareness about oneself, it’s entirely possible that many men with delayed ejaculation may be completely unaware of what’s causing their ejaculatory dysfunction. And then it’s natural enough for a man to blame it on something physical like an insensitive penis. As you can probably see, changing a man’s perceptions when this threatens his very identity, or threatens his innate sense of security, is going to be challenging – to say the least!

And if a man can’t even sense the connection between events “way back when” and his current sexual problems in adulthood, the situation becomes even more complicated. One of things that can make delayed ejaculation even more difficult to deal with is the fact that our society has lost the normal rites of passage between boyhood and manhood.

Initiation rituals into manhood, and rites passage from one lifestage to another were commonplace in our history, but they hardly exist at all in our modern society. This can’t be helping the development of confident male sexuality. And the consequences of this are subtle and wide ranging. For example, being cut off from sexuality in this way may actually prevent a man from expressing his maleness – even from responding to sexual stimulation.

This kind of deprivation – for want of a better word – makes a man unable to express feelings and emotions around sexuality, to ask what for he wants sexually, and perhaps even to be unaware of what he needs or wants sexually. In the face of this difficulty you can see how a man could easily retreat into a place of wanting to satisfy his partner sexually, and indeed basing his sexual self-esteem on being able to do so. Hence, perhaps, the attention a man with delayed ejaculation may offer to his partner at the expense of his own (and felt and unwanted) sexual needs.

And there’s a level of inhibition which can go even deeper than this – I mentioned how men with difficulty in this area might be avoiding a loss of control at the moment of orgasm and ejaculation. (By not ejaculating, I mean.)

But there are many other possible explanations for difficulty or delay in ejaculating – shame or guilt about sex; fear of women; anger against women, which is not felt consciously but may be held in the unconscious; the memory of previous traumatic experiences; and many more besides. Such issues can be explored with the help of shadow work – a means of reaching into the unconscious and exploring historical patterns of behaviour. There are other practitioners who work with men in the same field of shadow work too if you prefer to explore these issues in single gender groups.

Advice For Men

It’s a common misconception, particularly on the Internet, that delayed ejaculation is a difficult problem to overcome. But if you really want to enjoy better sex, and you’re willing to try some simple treatment strategies, you’ll find it easier than you ever imagined to overcome this challenge.

Mostly men avoid treatment for delayed ejaculation because they feel too embarrassed, perplexed, perhaps even ashamed, about it. And that’s not too surprising. If you feel very different from other men – which is how a lot of men with delayed ejaculation do feel – you probably want to keep this “little secret” to yourself. Regrettably, however, a lot of men with this problem don’t talk about it even to their partners. And that’s where the trouble starts.  You see, although delayed ejaculation is often described as hard to overcome, this is not true. It only seems that way because delayed ejaculation is caused by several factors combining together.

The first cause of difficulty ejaculating is your relationship.

Just how do you feel about your relationship with your partner? And how do you feel about the way you and your partner make love? And how is your relationship to your own sexuality? 

These are just some of the many questions that help you understand the origin of ejaculation problems – if you want to go down that road.

Overcoming delayed ejaculation is possible without delving deeply into the psychology which lies behind it. If, for example, one of the issues which lies behind your delayed or retarded ejaculation is lack of intimacy between you and your partner, which in turn is leading to poor communication, you can establish greater intimacy by using some simple and practical techniques. This approach avoids the need to delve into the unconscious issues which might have caused your lack of intimacy in the first place.

In other words, this approach is about learning a new behavior which replaces the old one. So, as far as intimacy is concerned, there are some very good techniques you can use to develop a close relationship. Because once you feel physically close, it’s possible to be truly intimate.

How To Overcome Delays In Ejaculation!

So if you’re wondering how you’re going to be able to solve ejaculation problems, the good news is that this isn’t difficult.  Using a treatment program (click here to find out all about it), at home in privacy, you’ll soon be able to enjoy sexual intimacy to the full. To start with, you’re going to train your body to respond more rapidly to sexual stimulation, so that you can reach orgasm more easily. That’s a matter of engaging in some delightful sensory exploration exercises with your partner, all of which are designed to increase your sensitivity to physical stimulation. And that’s important because, at the root of it, all sexual arousal is down to physical stimulation.

Emotional and mental stimulation is an important part of sexual activity, and it can certainly help you become more sexually aroused. However, the real key to sexual arousal is always physical stimulation. You see, sexual arousal is rooted in the body. To put it another way, the arousal which generates an erection, and so gives you the means to have intercourse, is rooted in the body. So part of the exercises you can use at home help you find trigger points on your body which provide you with  greater arousal than you normally experience. Everyone has “erogenous zones” on the body, but very few people take the time and trouble to explore them in detail.

And that’s a shame, because they really can produce a great deal of physical arousal. For a man with delayed ejaculation, they can really help in the process of overcoming delays and reaching orgasm. And if you feel anxious about having sex, this anxiety can interfere with your sexual responses, meaning that you might find ejaculation difficult. By dealing with this anxiety and discovering way to really enjoy sex, it’s easy to significantly reduce the level of stimulation which you need to reach orgasm. 


This isn’t watching erotic or pornographic images of other people having sex! According to sex researchers Masters and Johnson, spectatoring is “watching yourself have sex, accompanied by an anxious, internal, self-conscious dialogue.”

The internal chatter can include worries about one’s body (“I wonder what she thinks about my body”) or about one’s sexual performance (“She must be bored, I’m taking too long to come.” “Does she like the way I’m touching her?”) When spectatoring, a person is intently monitoring both their partner and themselves.

Not surprisingly, research shows that this is less satisfying than sex when you are “fully present”. Men and women alike who engage in spectatoring or internal dialogue during sex have fewer real orgasms and more fake orgasms than those who have less internal chatter.

This isn’t surprising, given that it’s hard to be orgasmic while worrying about what your partner thinks about you and your body. Thinking you “should” have an orgasm can lead you to pretend to have an orgasm. Yes – men (especially those with delayed ejaculation) fake orgasm too, as you may know.


How To Enjoy Better Sex

Sex and Love: How to improve your sex life

1 Be adventurous

Don’t be a log in bed – stiff and wooden – and don’t stick to the same old routine. Sexual adventure can include all kinds of things: talking dirty; taking the initiative by rolling on top of him and getting into the woman on top position then riding his penis fast and hard till he comes; dressing up; having spontaneous sex anywhere that takes your fancy; and so on, and on, and on…..there are, by the way, many more tips for better sex here and a description of how women can enjoy fully orgasmic sex here.

2 Go on a romantic break and Have sex morning, noon and night

Men are ready for sex pretty much any time of the day from the morning’s wake-up call with an erect penis to the before-sleep nighttime sex session, while women often have one preferred time of day. So if you’re a morning person, why not try sex at night? If you like sex in the afternoon, try it in the morning. It’s all about variety!

4 Dress up for him

Most men are very visual. Whatever you think of your body, he’ll like to see it dressed up in sexy lingerie, and he’ll get aroused faster and harder if you tease him a bit. Act like a seductress for a change, then suck his penis, fuck him and leave him breathless!

7 Be assertive from time to time

While most men like to lead during sex, from time to time they would really appreciate their partners taking the lead.

So seduce him when he arrives home, lead him to the bedroom, strip him, make him lie there while you suck his penis, then masturbate in front of him before mounting him and riding him to orgasm. He might be surprised, but he won’t object!

9 Let him masturbate between your breasts

Whatever you think of men’s sex drive (hopefully you appreciate it!), it isn’t going away. And when you’re horny, don’t you get pleasure from rampant raw acts of lustful pleasure? Sure, of course you do. So now think of your male partner, and you begin to see things from a male perspective.

10 Give him a quickie each week

At least one bout of uncomplicated sex keeps a man happy to romance and give you foreplay the rest of the time. You know what? Men really do like raw sex without all the lovey-dovey add-ons – if not all the time, certainly a fair amount of the time. So get your lube out, look at him seductively till he gets the message, then let him put his penis in you and thrust until he comes.

It’s not insulting to you as a woman (in fact it actually honors his sexuality), and while it may not be romantic, it will certainly give him great pleasure. 

11 Don’t ever use sex as a weapon

A very bad mistake. Decent men don’t do this, and women only do it because they believe they lack power elsewhere in the relationship.

That’s probably not true, and even if it has some truth in it, using sex to retaliate is the wrong answer. Few things are more alienating to a man than manipulative feminine strategies. And this is the worst of them.

12 Men like to be respected and appreciated

And women like to be cherished. You stand a great deal more chance of getting that from him if you tell him what a good lover he is and behave as though you respect him.

Even if he needs to improve his sexual skills, there are ways of telling him that will make him want to do it better, and ways of telling him that will make him think you are criticizing him.

13 Be assertive

Ask for what you want during sex in a straightforward way and he’ll respond much better than if you pout or whine. Take it from me, most men would much rather their partner had a lot more male-type energy alongside her female energy.

Among other things, this means asking for things straightforwardly, not playing games, and being assertive and energetic during sex.

Teach him how you like him to pleasure you during sex – and assertiveness also includes being confident enough to show him what you like and don’t like. After all, if you’re going to play with his penis the way he likes, hadn’t you better show him what to do with your clitoris?

14 Deal with sexual dysfunction

Sexual problems are many and varied: for men, they consist mostly of erectile dysfunction and ejaculatory disorders, including delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation.

15 Women come first

If he comes quickly, and he can’t improve his performance, then adapt. Get him to go down on you until you come, then make love. He (and his penis) will appreciate your swollen, wet and warm vagina, and you’ll enjoy the post-orgasmic stimulation of your G spot while you feel emotionally connected.

Heck, you might even come again. this is a surefire route to mutual pleasure in bed – and it’s a way most men can understand and appreciate if they’re looking for a way to please a woman during sex.

16 Act out your sexual fantasies

Remember that acting out your fantasy doesn’t mean it’s ever going to become a reality. Keep it in the bedroom and respect what he tells you – then tell him your own fantasies and act them out as well.

17 Don’t ever fake orgasm

Having his penis in your vagina is probably not the best way to achieve orgasm for you (if you’re one of the 75% of women who don’t come during intercourse).

So don’t pretend that it is. Get an orgasm before he penetrates you, and enjoy the friction and fullness when he thrusts. If you come, it’s a bonus.

18 Enjoy oral pleasure

You have no idea how important this is to your man. First, it feels unbelievably good; second, it means you accept him and the very sense of his maleness without reservation.

19 Try many new positions and keep novelty alive

Honestly, trying new positions is what makes a relationship stay passionate – you need a constant stream of sexual novelty to fend of boredom – possibly this is more true for men than women, but it’s still incredibly important to both sexes.

The best way to do this is to use a reference manual like the ancient Kama Sutra or a site like this: sexual positions for you!

20 Keep your Kegels going so your vagina is tight

Men have a visceral response to the sight, smell, taste and feel of the vagina. They want to explore it with fingers, eyes and tongue, but more than anything they want to penetrate it with their penis and thrust deep into you – making you feel good too.

That’s how a satisfying, mutually pleasurable sexual relationship should be, uninhibited and lusty!

For him, a lot of the pleasure is in the friction, so if you think you have a loose vagina, tighten it up with Kegels or keep your legs closed during sex so you grip his penis. That way sex will feel much better for him.

20 If you need some ways to treat erectile dysfunction look here. When your erection needs a boost, you can get all the information you need, with hundreds of tips for better sex, including complete information on the causes and treatment for erection problems.