Sex and Love

What women want from men during sex

Why do women have sex? It's an interesting question once you get beyond what seems most clear: to have kids and because it feels pleasurable.

Two University of Texas research scientists tried to establish the deeper motives about why women to go to bed with their male partners.

Through an online survey of over 1,000 women aged between 18 to 87 they found that women aren't very different from men.

The survey enquired of women if they had ever engaged in sex for any of the 237 reasons listed in the study. If they replied that they had, they were prompted to describe one of their specific sexual experiences.

So, what are the most important reasons women have sex?

The primary reason is that they're attracted to their partner, and want physical pleasure and gratification. Next down the list was the desire for love or emotional bonding.

This compares to men's reasons - pleasure and bonding in that order. It's a sign of a more enlightened era, perhaps, that women who participated in the research were enjoying sex because of the pleasure it provides.

Of course, there's a natural bias in this sex research - the women who took part are self-selected. The researchers tried to eliminate that by keeping answers confidential, but even so - is this representative of all women? Who knows? The women claimed to be of all ages and from several countries, so it might be.

The researchers expected women to have many reasons for engaging in sex, but some were a surprise: a lot of women claimed they had sex to bring them closer to God.

And revenge featured high on the list: having sex with someone else just because their partner was unfaithful. Competition was also a motive: imagine a group of women in a bar trying to see who can get a man to have sex with them.

And a lot of younger women claimed sex was just "another notch on their belt". (At this point I'm wondering if it was men filling in the answers!)

Men will be astounded to hear that some women just wanted to get rid of their virginity.

And just to show how deeply engrained in the female psyche is the idea of pleasing men, some women had sex with a man because they felt sorry for him (e.g. he couldn't get another date or hadn't had sex!).

And of course, some women had sex for money or drugs or other material about it all here.

But still, it's clear that most women would like sex to be an act of love between two people who care about each other deeply - not an act of pleasure in bed or sexual release as it so often is for men.

Women who are having sex outside a long term loving relationship may even be cutting themselves off from their own emotions, so that they avoid the feelings of loss and emptiness that sex for sex's sake can produce - in other words, they are doing what men do - having sex because it feels good.

But this is more natural for a man than a woman. So, if men want to produce greater arousal and sexual responsiveness in their female partners, these are the things men need to know.

Men: they all have the same theme - caring for your partner and making her emotionally important to you!

1 Give good foreplay and massage

Massage has many benefits in increasing feelings of well-being, health and satisfaction. But it also makes a woman sexually aroused.

It seems that a woman's skin is a sexual organ in a way that most men's aren't - probably because women associate touch with love and care (think of the cradling between a woman and her infant): and love and care with a partner naturally lead to sexual intercourse, which is the ultimate expression of love between two people.

Therefore, if you massage your partner she will be both more loving and more aroused - and, by the way, so will you if your receive massage from her. There is no need to learn complicated techniques of massage - all you need are a pair of hands, a warm room, and a bottle of massage oil.

Rubbing her back with long slow movements is always good - and if you ask her for feedback on whether she would like more oil, and more or less pressure, and where she would like you to move your hands, you will find that it all becomes surprisingly easy.

Long slow strokes are better than short quick movements, though circular movements can also be great at relieving tension.

And the feet, arms, hands, thighs and ankles are all especially sensitive. Read about vaginal massage here.

Why foreplay is important to women seems to be a mystery to many men, but one thing's for sure - women all want more of it! The average time women want on foreplay is 20 minutes.

This may seem like a long time, but many women will reach orgasm after this long at foreplay with a loving partner, because they will be sufficiently turned on and aroused.

Women's sexual responses are different to men - men can be turned on very quickly, and come very quickly, but women need to be aroused slowly to feel the spark of passion burning brightly.

(And before you remind yourself about the quickie on the floor when you got through the door last night, of course women are sometimes just as horny as men - but in general, they need more foreplay to enjoy sex as much as men.)

Women place a lot of emphasis on the environment in which sex takes place - a romantic and sensuous environment is important, because it speaks of love and care.

So though you may find perfumed candles and satin sheets a drag, remember that they might be important to your partner - and do your best to create a loving atmosphere in the bedroom.

Another aspect of foreplay worth remembering is that women are turned onto their partners by acts of love that extend throughout the day.

A kind word, a gentle touch, a surprise gift: all of these things, and many more - in fact any gesture that demonstrates you care - can serve to heighten the passion in the bedroom.

2 Learn to enjoy oral sex - and be good at it!

Women love oral sex. There are many reasons why.

First, nothing else feels as good as a warm, wet tongue sliding across a woman's vulva and clitoris. Second, it is a powerful show of love and intimacy and suggests how much you love your partner and want her to achieve sexual fulfillment. Third, it offers profound intimacy and allows women to rapidly lose themselves into sheer sexual pleasure.

And fourth, no matter what the size of your cock, you can give good head. Truly, a man with good cunnilingus skills can be the most popular lover in the world!

Moreover, when a good session of cunnilingus, which in itself is almost guaranteed to bring a woman off, is combined with your finger stimulating her G-spot (see the G spot page of this site), the blend of clitoral and G-spot stimulation produces an orgasm far more intense and fulfilling than clitoral stimulation alone.

This is rather convenient, because with your head down there, you are in just the right place to provide the added excitement of G-spot stimulation.

3 Don't be too rough, and don't take things for granted

Do not treat her clitoris as if it were a penis! In other words, be sensitive to her needs, and be especially gentle with her clit.

It contains as many nerve endings as a penis, but in a much smaller area, and it can be exquisitely painful if stimulated before she is aroused - or, indeed, after she has come.

To learn the right touch, ask her what feels good and be guided by your female partner.

Find out what she likes, perhaps by watching her masturbate, if she is willing to show you. And don't assume that you should just put your finger in her vagina and start thrusting it in and out - she may like this, but she may not.

It depends on how aroused she is, how lubricated she is, and how she feels about her body being penetrated (opening physically is easy enough; opening up emotionally and fully giving herself requires that a woman has trust in her partner).

She might appreciate it if you ask her before you insert anything in her vagina: "May I explore your secret place now?" This may sound like a strange question to ask, but many women will find the idea of their man asking for permission to enter their body strangely arousing. It is certainly a respectful thing to do.

One of the things that annoys women during sex is that men ejaculate within a time scale which pleases no-one but themselves. Think of your partner - she needs longer to be fully aroused and satisfied.

If you ejaculate too quickly for her pleasure, learn some ways to control your premature ejaculation.

4 Learn about her body - especially her clitoris and G-spot.

Well now, do you know where her clitoris is? Hopefully, but if you don't then you need to find out - and quick! She isn't going to hang around for ever waiting for you to discover it - especially if she is too shy to tell you herself.

And since the clitoris is the key to women's sexual pleasure, the sooner you acquaint yourself with it the better.

The clitoris is actually just as variable in shape and size as the penis, and it may be tactless of you to fumble around trying to find it if it's small or hidden by her labial folds. This site deals with women's experience of sex in an intelligent and informed way.

As for the G-spot - well, if you don't know about this, then you are missing a lot of sexual excitement. Any man who has discovered his female partner's G-spot and knows how she responds to its stimulation knows that it has the capacity to provide an incredible level of sexual pleasure - as well as a type of orgasm which is very different in depth and emotional quality to a clitoral orgasm.

The G-spot is an area of sensitive tissue on the front wall of the vagina between one and two inches inside.

You can best find it by inserting your middle or index finger gently into her when she is aroused with the fingertip facing upwards (assuming she is lying on her back) and slightly hooked, like you were making a beckoning motion with your finger.

Depending on her level of arousal you will feel a small area of raised tissue, perhaps with a gentle slope up to it and away from it as you move deeper into her vagina: its surface texture may be rubbery and ridged or have a soft, swollen, silky feel to it.

The G-spot undergoes a change from rubbery and ridged to soft, swollen and silky as a woman gets more and more aroused. When she's very aroused, rubbing it in the right way will produce a vaginal orgasm without any clitoral stimulation.

This type of orgasm involves much more flow of erotic and emotional energy all around her body than a clitoral orgasm, which is a lot more focused and localized and does not produce such intense emotional reactions.

(It is not uncommon for a woman to cry and release long-held emotions after an intense G-spot orgasm - but don't be put off by this, as the experience is a deeply healing one.)

But the remarkable thing about it is that you cannot just rub the G-spot and make her come, because if her level of arousal drops at any point, and you just continue rubbing her G-spot, the chances of her experiencing a vaginal orgasm actually decrease.

You need to be sensitive to how the G-spot responds to what you are doing, and gently alter your stimulation accordingly. As she gets more and more aroused, the stimulation from your fiber will need to be much more intense - a vigorous thrusting movement over the G-spot will bring her to an amazing orgasm, the intensity of which is likely to be quite startling for both of you the first time you experience it.

Many experts on the techniques recommend that you begin by stimulating her clitoris with oral sex and only move into her vagina to stimulate her G-spot with your finger when she is aroused, lubricated and responsive.

You can keep your tongue moving on her clitoris or not - in either case she is likely to have an intense orgasm. One thing that often happens during a G-spot orgasm is that a woman produces vast amounts of lubricating juices which spurt out of her vagina in a female ejaculation.

This is incredibly arousing and sexy - and well worth experiencing! For one thing, when a woman has had a vaginal orgasm, she is usually able to have another very quickly through vaginal intercourse.

If she does, the contractions of her vagina as she orgasms around her mate's penis often make him come simultaneously - and though simultaneous orgasm is not the be all and end all of sex, it is certainly a powerful, exciting and deeply fulfilling experience.

If she's having trouble reaching orgasm, a condition known as anorgasmia, then what you need is a good website showing you how to reach orgasm during sex, like this one.

On the assumption that it would be helpful to have some more information on this extraordinary sexual technique, you can learn about G-spot stimulation from two good books: Sexual Ecstasy or Extended Massive Orgasm.

5 Find her erogenous zones

Sexual experience for men tends to center on the penis. But it isn't like this for women - their whole body experience is a sexual organ, and there are plenty of exciting places other than her clitoris, vagina, vulva and breasts.

As her lover, you can seek them out and stimulate them with gentle kisses, touches, or in any other way that you can think of. You can touch, kiss and lick, and see how she responds - a moan or movements of her body which bring her closer to you is a good sign that you are doing something right.

If she looks like she's working out the shopping list, you need to think of something else to try.

Joking aside, communication is, as always, the key to good sex. But you can't be expected to read her mind, so there is some responsibility on her to tell you what she likes and doesn't like. It is always helpful if this feedback is delivered in a positive way - such as: "That's good, but why don't you move on to my right elbow?"

If she starts being critical or negative about your efforts, consider first if you are trying to make a meal of, say, her earlobe, and if not, remind her that you need her help in finding the bits that make her squirm when you breath on them, kiss them, or lick then.

Good places to start are her elbows, ankles, feet, wrists, shoulders, and neck. Her inner thighs are likely to be sensitive, too, but don't head off towards her vagina before she is willing to let you go there - women really do not like men trying to get into their most intimate areas before they are aroused.

You can often tell when she is ready for you to head off in that direction because her legs will open wider and her hips may make gentle thrusting or wave like motions.

One of the most important areas of course is around her vulva and her vagina. These are definitely sexual hotspots! Her vulva, the area around her vaginal opening and the first inch or two inside her vagina are full of sensitive nerve endings that can produce great feelings of pleasure when they are gently rubbed, licked or caressed.

The deeper parts of the vagina are less sensitive. Perhaps this is not too surprising - if they were as sensitive as the outside, giving birth would be an even more painful experience. This insensitivity proves that a large penis (or, at least, a long one) is not necessary for a woman's sexual pleasure.

As for her breasts, well, this seems to be a very individual thing between women. Only about half of women like men to play with their breasts during sex, and some women actually find it painful. So ask her what she likes.

If she wants you to tell her how wonderful they are, do so (sincerely), and if she wants you to fondle them, do so, paying attention to how she reacts and adapting your touch accordingly.

And don't hang onto them like a suckling child - gentle flicks of your tongue across her nipples are likely to be much more arousing for her. Above all, don't roll them around like radio buttons with your fingertips! For great advice on what women want during sex, see the relevant page on all about the penis - what women want during sex.

6 Be a great kisser

Kissing is something women find one of the most sensitive and romantic things a man can do during foreplay. The best way to be good at it is to keep your mind on what you are doing. In other words, focus on the experience, and be there with your mind and your body.

If you imagine that you are communicating tender gentle loving feelings to her as you kiss her, this will make the experience much more meaningful.

7 Learn how to thrust for more than 2 minutes (or 2 strokes)

Premature ejaculation is not funny at all. In the 1950's Alfred Kinsey found that almost 80% of men ejaculated within two minutes of entering their partner's vagina - and little has changed since then!

While it isn't necessary to thrust for hours, women do like vaginal penetration to be of reasonable length before their partner ejaculates, especially if they have a sensitive G spot.

And you can help you and your partner enjoy sex if you prevent premature ejaculation from dominating your sex life. If you extend the time between penetration and ejaculation, the emotional experience of having you inside her vagina can be extended.

It's important to remember that for women, sex is often not about orgasm: it's about intimacy and connection, and the moment of penetration, no matter how sweet it is for you, is symbolic of something much greater for a woman - commitment, trust, honoring you as her man, and love.

After all, it is the way she is potentially impregnated, and to allow you to enter her symbolizes the trust she has in you. It's good to honor this by not ejaculating within seconds and then turning over and going to sleep.

No woman should have to put up with this since it isn't difficult to learn how to control your ejaculation.

If you'd like to pick up some great sexual hints and tips to improve your sex life, the place to look is any good website on sexual positions and oral sex techniques. This is high quality information to improve your sex life.

8 Vary the positions

Add a little excitement into your sex life - vary the sex positions you use! This will provide her with different types of vaginal stimulation and maintain your interest. If you don't introduce an element of "sexcitement", sex can get a bit boring, no matter how much you love someone. There are plenty of sex positions on this site.

9 Keep fit

An attractive body isn't everything in life, but let's face it: a reasonable body is sexier than a fat one. Enough said?

10 Talk to her

You might find it hard, but constant reassurance about how attractive she is, how much you love her and fancy her, especially during the act of lovemaking, are going to go a long way to establishing a closer bond and making your sexual experience much more worthwhile.

If you tell her how you are feeling, what you like and don't like, and why, you may even find that her enthusiasm for pleasing you reaches new heights.

In essence, good communication is the basis of any relationship, and nowhere is that more true than during sex, where failure to communicate can lead to disaster. Remember the statistic that sex is great only 20% of the time - and 20% of the time it's awful.

When it doesn't work, you might like to reassure each other that you love each other, and think about what went wrong - and why.

Talking about it will make things much less of an issue, stop resentment festering, and lead to greater emotional security and better sex next time.

11 Three very important things you should do!

ONE - make sure she has an orgasm during sex. If you come, turn over and go to sleep, make sure she gets an orgasm before you have yours. Do it with your fingers, tongue, vibrator, whatever - but make sure she is satisfied.

TWO - let her tell you when you can enter her body with your penis. Whether the woman is on top or not, only she really knows if she is ready for penetration.

She doesn't have to say it in as many words - learn to read the signals she is giving you in her body and posture and you'll know when she wants you in her.

Believe me, it's better that way. But you could ask her if she likes to be taken by surprise once in a while - if she does, then you still need to make sure she is aroused before you enter her.

THREE - let her guide your penis in. This is a good idea because it takes pressure off you and ensures she is ready and happy about penetration.

Sometimes trying to find the opening to her vagina by good luck alone can turn into a comic act. It's much more elegant, graceful and fun for her to guide you in.

If you are enjoying a teasing session of in and out sex, where you withdraw all the way and then enter her again, you should be able to find the vaginal opening easily, but as a general rule, for the first penetration each time you make love, let her guide you in.

Also, remember that withdrawing and then re-penetrating her vagina is not only very exciting for her, it will allow your arousal to drop and so help you to go on for longer during sex - it's an effective way of controlling premature ejaculation!

12 Some other good ideas!

Ask for what you want. And be prepared for her to say "No." Respect that is she does so. Communicate how it feels, what's good, what's bad, and what you like.

Take "No" for an answer. If your partner doesn't want to do something, just respect her wishes. Above all, don't wheedle and whine like a child.

Don't be demanding. A woman likes to know you find her attractive and that she turns you on, but she will not want to feel that you expect sex of her as if it is your absolute right, and she'll be really turned off if you behave in a demanding way.

Slow down. A general rule for good sex (except desperate quickies) is: the slower the better. Be patient with your female partner. And be generous in taking your time as she moves to her climax even if you are getting tired.

Keep the stimulation going in regular, consistent strokes of your finger, penis or tongue. Speed up as she nears her climax, but above all, don't stop - she will rapidly lose her arousal, and probably end up frustrated and grumpy.

The only time you should stop while making love is if you are teasing her to build up her sexual arousal to high levels. Use whatever are the best sex techniques for you. Don't assume you need to have an orgasm every time.

Closeness and intimacy are great in themselves. Don't worry if you can't get an erection once in a while. It happens to all men - about one time in every five! Respect your partner's body and mind.

Don't humiliate or embarrass her (or him) - help her (or him) overcome their inhibitions by positive gentle encouragement.

The penis and gender politics

Other pages:

Sexual anatomy and function
Women's arousal & sex
Male Sexual Pleasure
Tantric sex
Sex positions for orgasm
Manifestation Law Attraction
Women & sex
Sex and sexuality
Making love and having sex
Desire, excitement and orgasm
How to improve your sex life

The penis and gender politics

Updated 23 February 2020