Sex and Love
Multiple orgasms for couples
The idea of simultaneous orgasm with your partner during lovemaking is an exciting one, and no wonder, because coming together makes sex very pleasurable. But when that is coupled with multiple orgasms for each partner, sexual pleasure is increased very much more.
This page explains - briefly - how men and women can achieve simultaneous multiple orgasms; it is based on the methods explained in the book The Multi-Orgasmic Couple by Mantak Chia and Maneewan Chia, who describe Taoist approaches to sexuality which are over 3,000 years old. Their book is essential reading if you're interested in developing your own skills in this area.
Our starting point is for both the man and the woman to learn how to experience multiple orgasms.
First, I'll discuss how men can do this, then how women can do it, and finally how a couple can bring their separate experiences together into their lovemaking.
There are several ways in which men can become orgasmic.
And I have seen men who were injured in Vietnam learn to experience orgasms throughout their whole bodies, even though their spinal cords were severed well above the point at which the nerves emerge to the genitals.
So I have no doubt that whole body orgasms without ejaculation are possible.
And I have no doubt that women can experience similar whole body orgasms as well: these are orgasms that can actually go on for minutes or even hours at a time.
This type of sexual practice is about energy flow, and when a couple engage in it together, the levels of sexual pleasure they can achieve is often astounding.
But, as I said above, this section of the website is based on the methods described in The Multi-Orgasmic Couple by Mantak Chia and Maneewan Chia.
They describe Taoist approaches to sexuality which are over 3000 years old.
To recap some essential features, then. The first point to make is that for men, orgasm (coming) and ejaculation are not the same thing.
The fact that they happen to occur together the majority of the time leads us to believe they are one and the same, yet the emission of semen can occur without coming, and the act of coming can occur with no emission of semen.
Emission of semen, or ejaculation, as we would usually call it, is a muscle spasm - a reflex reaction.
Yes, it's true that it can be a very pleasant experience, but it is different to the movement of sexual energy that travels through the body at the point of orgasm.
One of the most obvious examples of this is the orgasm experienced by pre-adolescent boys who masturbate before they are producing semen. Alfred Kinsey, the famous sex researcher of the 1950's, found that almost a third of pre-adolescent boys could experience five orgasms in a row, one after the other.
Clearly, if you can control your sexual energy flow, you can also decide when to ejaculate by remaining below the point of no return for as long as you choose before ejaculating by using www.delayedejaculationmen.com - a male ejaculation control system.
According to the Chias, a man who wishes to become orgasmic must first arrest his sexual arousal just before the moment when he reaches his point of ejaculatory inevitability, then lower his arousal so that he hovers below this point, and finally "relax" into orgasm.
This sounds a bit like mumbo jumbo, but there are ways that it can be done.
The first technique is to strengthen the PC muscles that run around the anus and up to the base of the penis.
Clamping these muscles around the prostate can prevent ejaculation.
But this is only half the story - the clamping has to be done at the correct moment in a man's sexual cycle, or the continuous orgasmic wave which is the object of these exercises will not be achieved.
So the second technique is for a man to develop greater sensitivity to his level of sexual arousal so that he always knows how aroused, and therefore how near to ejaculation, he is.
He then moderates the sexual stimulation he is receiving - and learns to take more of it without ejaculating - so that he can remain on the verge of ejaculation for longer.
In this way the energy flows of orgasm can sweep through his body without being brought to a halt by his ejaculation, as normally happens.
According to Taoist thought, the four stages of sexual arousal are: lengthening of the penis, swelling of the penis, hardening of the penis, and "heat": the Taoists developed breathing techniques, as well as other techniques to draw sexual energy away from the testicles and penis, so that a man would not cross the line into his ejaculation at the end of the fourth stage of arousal.
Of course these four stages of arousal very closely resemble the four stages of sexual arousal described by modern sexologists: excitement, arousal, plateau and resolution.
One way for a man to control his level of arousal is via his breathing.
Deep breathing, say the Taoists, is a way to promote the circulation of sexual energy through the body, and also to prevent a build-up of sexual tension in the genitals or pelvis when there is no ejaculation.
The exact ways in which this can be done are described in the Chias' book.
They make the observation that learning how to last longer during sex and experience orgasm without ejaculation conserves vital energy - the Taoists believed that every time a man ejaculated he lost some of his vital sexual and spiritual energy.
It follows that if a man learns ejaculatory control, his reserves of sexual energy and sexual desire will be much greater.
For women, becoming orgasmic may be more or less difficult depending on how in touch she is with her body and her sexuality.
The Chias describe exercises which help a woman become more comfortable with her body, more aware of her sexuality, and more easily orgasmic.
These involve an exploration of sensuality through self-love, masturbation, and bodily touch and exploration, especially of the genitals.
They offer a scheme for women to become orgasmic by working up from genital play, through arousal, to orgasm.
They also emphasize that women who wish to be orgasmic need to be direct and clear about their sexual requirements, and able to take control of how and when they get aroused and satisfied.
In other words, they know how to take control of their sexual arousal.
Part of this aspect of increasing a woman's sexual energy is for her to know how she responds to different kinds of stimulation, and for her to learn to orgasm with oral sex, or maybe intercourse, or through masturbation either by herself or her partner.
She may wish to use a sex toy or her man's penis to stimulate her G spot (see elsewhere on this site for a description of the G spot).
There is another important aspect to this - sometimes a man will take it very personally if his partner does not reach orgasm.
But for a man to be so invested in whether or not his partner has an orgasm will generally hinder her process of moving towards one, because his expectations put pressure on her, and this takes her away from the state of mind she needs to be in to relax into her orgasmic capability.
So while partners need to exchange loving feedback, a man's self-esteem should not be invested in his partner's orgasms.
The summary of the Chias' detailed descriptions for becoming orgasmic would be something like this:
1 Believe you can do it!
2 Turn on your mind - create a sensual atmosphere; use your imagination and erotic films or literature to explore your fantasies.
3 Stimulate multiple pleasure points - start with full body caresses and move towards the hot spots of ears, neck and nipples.
4 Enjoy cunnilingus; use a vibrator if you wish on your clitoris. Ensure you have lost weight to make sex pleasurable and easy for your partner. If you need help on losing weight, check out how to lose weight fast, which will tell you all you need to know.
5 Tease yourself sexually by arousing yourself part-way towards orgasm and then backing off; repeat this sequence several times. This will help you to last longer in bed in sex.
6 Stimulate your G spot with a dildo or your partner's penis.
7 Use your PC muscles - for example, contract your vagina around your partner's penis, suck him in as he enters you, grip sex toys inside your vagina, and so on.
8 Stimulate the vagina and clitoris together.
9 Tell your partner what you want and need to ride the orgasmic wave.
Some women, of course, have never experienced an orgasm. There are many ways in which a woman can become orgasmic - and without much difficulty, either.
In essence, these methods are all about becoming comfortable with your sexuality and allowing your body to begin to express its sexual potential.
The Chias describe these in detail in their book, and also mention other factors which may play a part in keeping a woman from her orgasm: these include stress, medication, the effects of birth and the menopause, relationship difficulties, and problems in the family.
Becoming orgasmic as a man or as a woman in your own right is not, of course, the same as becoming orgasmic as a couple.
The next stage of the technique is to move the sexual energy generated by the multiple orgasms of the man (without ejaculation) and the multiple orgasms of the woman upwards from the genitals to the spine, then to the brain and finally back in a circuit through the two partners' bodies.
When the vast reserves of sexual energy that a orgasmic couple can achieve begin to circulate through the two partners, waves of bliss are generated which may lead to a transformation of consciousness.
This led the adherents of the Hindu tradition of Tantra to use sex as a means for achieving enlightenment. But even if you don't succeed in such far-reaching ambitions, you can at least have a lot of fun trying to raise your consciousness!
Learning to cultivate your sexual energy will give you a sexual freedom that few people have: it will allow you to be sexual whenever you want and to circulate this powerful sexual energy to revitalize the rest of your life when you do not.
One of the most liberating realizations for people who practice healing love is that they have access to their sexual energy anywhere and anytime - rather than believing that their sexual energy is limited to some short-term horniness or long-lost desire that comes and goes as it pleases.
The Chias start their description of this process by explaining the concept of meridians or energy lines in the body - one up the back, one down the front, linked at their tops by the tongue and at their base by the genitals.
Sexual energy generated by multiple orgasms flows up the back meridian and down the front meridian, in a bio-electric circuit.
It can be stored in the body, or used by the brain to generate creativity and clarity of thought.
They then go on to describe the specific techniques which enable men and women to move the energy upwards and downwards along these meridians - as you might by now expect, a large part of the skill involved centers on the use of breathing techniques.
Sexual energy moves downwards from a woman's head to her heart and then to her genitals: this is seen in practice as a woman needing to have her head and heart "opened" before she becomes sexually responsive.
For men, the process is reversed: the sexual energy of their genitals quickly rises to their heart and head - only then can it open them to their feelings of love, provided that they do not ejaculate too quickly.
If they do, their sexual - and love - energy is lost before they really have a chance to experience the depth and power of their love. And then sex remains just "sex" for men, not lovemaking.
So in developing the skills of coming together, a couple needs to be well aware of this difference in responsiveness and to ensure that both the man and the woman are harmonized at a similar level of arousal before they begin their advanced sexual practice.
This harmonization can be achieved initially by non-genital touching and kissing - a process that moves gradually into genital touching and exploration.
A woman's secret places - in her vagina and around her vulva - can be an amazing source of pleasure and excitement: but every woman is different in her responsiveness to such touch, and the Chias emphasize that a couple need to explore to find what she likes, and what arouses her sexually.
They offer tips and advice on fellatio and cunnilingus:
If intimated by the erect penis, a woman can start fellatio on her man while his penis is flaccid.
It is a good idea to alternate sucking and licking, especially along the frenulum. As part of the process a woman should lick his testicles, and explore his genitals with her tongue from stem to stern!
Sucking his penis can involve a deeper enveloping of his penis in her mouth, giving him pleasure from the pressure of the sensitive penile head on the back of the mouth. When combined with a sucking action this will produce feelings of ecstasy.
She can keep her hands on his penis to control the depth to which his cock enters her mouth, and to ensure that if he begins to thrust in his excitement, his penis does not go too deep for her.
The female partner should keep her lips wrapped around her teeth so that his penis is protected from the rough touch of her teeth.
Men's semen changes taste and texture according to what they have eaten, so it may be wrong to base a decision to spit or swallow on just one episode of oral sex. She may keep his semen in her mouth while he ejaculates then go discreetly to the bathroom to spit it out.
Taking his penis into her mouth is an act of respect and love that most men adore - and indeed find very important. A woman who has not mastered the art of oral sex on a man may find that it becomes a big relationship issue.
Oral sex is very arousing for most men, so a woman can use it to arouse him without getting him to the point of ejaculation. The partners can then continue with intercourse or move on to
Cunnilingus, in which
A man should not try to penetrate the vagina with his tongue - it is not strong enough and cannot go deep enough. It is a tool for outside use only!
A man can lick his way up her vulva from bottom to top, sucking and playing with her labia as he goes, then encircling her clitoris and licking it when he reaches the top. He can flick his tongue across the clitoris and suck gently on it if she is aroused by this.
If she is aroused, he can insert a finger into her vagina and lick her clitoris at the same time. Playing with her G spot and clitoris simultaneously can be as powerful a sexual stimulant for a woman as sucking and licking a man's penis is for him.
She may find it very arousing indeed if he licks or sucks her breasts while he plays with her clitoris.
Oral sex is one of the best ways of arousing a woman and bringing her rapidly to orgasm.
Intercourse itself has many tunes that the sexual instruments of the man and woman can play.
The Taoists recommended that each couple try variations of the depth and rates of thrusting of penis in vagina during sex: for example, a short thrust length when his penis is deep inside her is excellent for allowing the woman to reach orgasm while he maintains ejaculatory control.
A good basic technique is nine shallow thrusts (i.e. his penis does not enter her vagina very far) followed by one deep one (his penis enters her to the hilt). Short thrusts stimulate her G spot, while the deeper ones are very stimulating for the man - but because he is only thrusting hard and deep once in every nine times, he can maintain good ejaculatory control.
Another excellent sexual technique is for either partner to circle their sacrum rather than thrust their hips, for a circling motion of the penis in the vagina was reputed by the Taoists to allow a long period of intercourse and sexual stimulation without ejaculation: whether this is in fact the case or not, certainly feels extremely good for both partners.
The art of intercourse
Wait until the woman is extremely wet and desperate for penetration. This will allow the sexual energy to build up to the maximum possible.
Full engorgement and arousal will only develop after an adequate period of stimulation, and only when she is fully engorged and aroused will she be able to achieve maximum access to her sexual energy.
Varying the depth of thrusts is one of the most valuable Taoist techniques. Long deep thrusts are most stimulating for the man; shallow ones maintain his ejaculatory control and can still be very exciting for her.
The "best" thrust of all is when his penis is deep inside her: by entering her with a deep thrust his penis pushes all the air out of her vagina.
By then making a series of shallow thrusts without breaking the seal (i.e. without pulling out completely), he creates a vacuum that can be intensely pleasurable for her.
Screwing - or rotating the hips rather than thrusting - can be extremely exciting for both partners. (If you're looking for more information on sexual techniques, try sex techniques and position - hundreds of pictures of sex, and thousands of tips and tricks to make sex better.)