Why is it that even men who are in a happy relationship will still look at the women around them and fantasize about their bodies, wondering what it might be like to have sex with them?
And does this behavior mean that men are more sexual, and therefore more likely to stray from their partners, than women?
Or that men are the ones who want sexual excitement, while women desire emotional support? Does it imply that women consent to sex simply to get emotional or physical closeness?
Or are these merely outdated sexual stereotypes? Are we in fact behaving like this because that's how we've learned to behave? What is the essence of maleness?
These are difficult questions. The concept of men as more sexually driven than women comes from sociobiology, which tries to explain animal behavior on the basis of genetic influences reaching far back down the evolutionary tree.
So, for example, in many species, the "dominant" males win the right to impregnate as many females as possible by fighting, by competition, and by wooing the females with displays of their strength and size.
And although this is not the only way male animals find a mate (some animal species mate for life, and among our close relatives, the gibbon is faithful for life), it's a fact that many species do behave like this, and in many cases the females will actively seek out the dominant males or look for evidence of the male's ability to be a good provider.
This makes evolutionary sense, of course, because a male who can accumulate many females and guard them against other marauding males may be the most likely to pass on "successful" genes to his offspring.
Thus a female would look for these characteristics in order to ensure her offspring's chance of survival was maximized. But it's almost an insult to suggest that our sexual behavior is governed by our genes. We are, after all, supposedly the most evolved species on the planet. Do we not have the ability to overcome our genetic inheritance and behave in a human way?
Well, maybe, but even if we have a choice in these matters, very often we do seem to behave as if we're genetically programmed!
Suppose men's infidelity comes from a subconscious desire to spread their genes a bit farther field (although it may be disguised as: "my wife doesn't understand me", or a million other lines)? And think of gay men in the 1970's, experiencing unprecedented levels of sexual promiscuity.
Although gay sexual life is more restrained now, on average gay men still have many more partners than straight men.
Doesn't this suggest that men, freed from the restrictions of society or emotional ties to their female partners, will seek out sex, enjoy it, and basically have as much of it as they can? What's more, lesbian relationships often focus on emotions and living together, not sex, which might imply women are less sexual than men.
However, could it be that men have learnt to express themselves through sexual activity? Would men be more emotional if they knew how to express their feelings? Are we all simply conditioned by society to behave the way we do?
And if it is societal conditioning, how do we explain the fact that some aspects of male sexual behavior and male sexual pleasure happen so often? That, for example, some men will have sex with just about anyone when they're drunk? Or, as women might put it, that men can't be trusted? (After all, women mostly want a faithful relationship, and in that relationship they can safely achieve sexual pleasure. If, that is, their man knows how to please a woman in bed.)
That they seem to care more about beauty than brains? That they may abandon their wives of twenty years in middle-age and set up with a much younger woman?
Does it mean that women are attracted by power and success - evidence of dominance, perhaps, in our material society? Does it mean that the more attractive women have a sexual advantage because they will attract the stronger, richer, more powerful males - who can, of course, afford to buy their company?
The explanation of male and female sexual behavior, according to sociobiology, lies in the fact than men can have many more offspring than women: they can plough the furrow and spread the seed with little care for what happens afterwards.
Doing this may well mean that overall a male leaves more offspring - which in the end, is what sex is about! So way back in our evolutionary history those males who were sexually promiscuous would be the ones who were evolutionarily successful - in other words, they would have more children and their behavior would spread.
But of course females might want the opposite: faithfulness and evidence of commitment to child-rearing. This means they would tend to test the patience of males who offered themselves as potential mates, to see how prepared they were to stick around - the longer they waited (and thereby passed up the chances of mating with other females), the more likely they would turn out to be faithful parents and partners.
These males' investment in the next generation couldn't be assured by simply having lots of sex - instead, they had to look after a few children, and ensure their survival to adulthood.
And there is indeed evidence which seems to support some of these ideas.
For example, there have always been many polygamous human societies where the dominant males have been allowed to have several wives, so long as they can keep their power and provide for the women and children.
We also know that men worry about their wives having sex with other men while women, so we are told, mostly worry about their men being emotionally attached to someone else.
This might be because a man cannot really know if his mate is carrying his child or another male's - and if a man ends up looking after some other man's child in the belief that it's his own child, it's very, very bad from the point of view of his genetic investment in the next generation.
It's even been suggested that the classic male double standard ("bed a whore and marry a virgin") is underpinned by this biological urge to ensure that as a man one brings up one's own genetic offspring; after fertilizing the virgin, bedding other women is a way of spreading the seed without long term commitments.
(Of course, with contraception it probably won't result in offspring either, but that isn't the point: it is the instinct behind the behavior that may be genetically determined.)
There are scientific studies that bear this out: David Buss, a psychologist and author of The Evolution of Desire has surveyed many people in over 30 countries: he found that men wanted sex and women wanted success.
But it's obvious that our instincts cannot have ultimate control of our behavior - there are societal, social and emotional pressures that also influence how we behave. And, perhaps more to the point, purely genetic theories discount our human ability to choose how we behave!
But one thing is certain: generally, men's sex drive does seem to be more powerful than women's. We have been led to a new vision of women as sexual beings in recent times, with more sexuality than perhaps we have given them credit for: and it is true that, freed from the drudgery of child rearing, with a sense of power and independence, women enjoy sex as much as men.
But do as many women as men enjoy casual sex? Do women look for evidence of commitment, or do they have sex on the first date (so to speak)?
I think it is here that we stray into areas of human behavior that are probably more socially conditioned - if a woman likes a man, makes some judgment about whether or not she can trust him, fancies him for whatever reason appeals to her, then she can, with freely available contraception, enjoy sex without the socially-conditioned guilt and shame that society would once have imposed on her. And so much the better for that!
And so, if one accepts that men and women are different in their genetic make-up, they must also be different in their expectations of sex and their sexuality.
In a Men's Health survey conducted by Rodale Press (See: Sex, A Man's Guide by S Bechtel and L Stains, Rodale Press, 1996) a consistent complaint made by men was that women did not understand how much men wanted sex.
Twice as many men as women masturbate, and we masturbate more often. When asked about the frequency of sexual thoughts, of course, the differences that emerge between the sexes has become legendary: men think about it several times a day (really? a minute, surely?) while women think about it, so they say, a few times a week.
And it seems that this imbalance is a common problem in relationships. The cause of the difference in desire for sex is the different levels of testosterone in men and women.
Although testosterone is the main male hormone, it is also produced in small amounts in a woman's body as well, and it plays a crucial role in regulating her sex drive. Women who are given testosterone supplements develop a high level of sexual drive - they literally see things from the other side of the coin, and the view seems usually to be a revelation for them.
Germaine Greer reports how, due to some unfortunate circumstances, she was given far too high level of testosterone supplements - and hated the experience, making the observation that she felt she knew what it must be like to be a rapist, in the context, I assume, of someone with an uncontrollable sexual urge whose self-control was overcome by sexual desire. (Unfortunately, rape is fuelled by anger, not lust, but she still had a point.)
Arousal and desire
Men's tendency to be sexually driven and want instant sexual gratification is the basis of a world-wide boom in porn. And we all know that while women may have moments of sexual urgency, it is usually the man who is getting aroused as his female partner bends down to empty the washing machine, and then trying to persuade her into the bedroom ("Come upstairs NOW!"), not the other way round. In short, men are horny! But why?
First of all, men with low levels of testosterone need much greater sexual stimulation to get aroused than men with normal levels of testosterone.
But, given adequate hormone, the beginning of sexual arousal is when a man is stimulated by something that provokes his sexual interest: the sight of a girl on the beach in a bikini, the thrill of a well-turned leg, the sight of a smoothly rounded bottom in a tight pair of jeans, the tempting crevice of a cleavage disappearing into a blouse, his partner bending down to empty the washing machine.....whatever.
Men who are impotent will still experience the emotional or mental side of being a man - those sly glances, that quick assessment of what the contact, the nakedness, or the sex might be like - but they may not get an erection.
Most men, however, if they're feeling randy or sexually turned on, will soon begin to get physically aroused.
You might be wondering if there's anything that doesn't turn men on! And it's true that someone, somewhere, is being turned on right now by things you never even thought of. So many things, so little understood, can be sexual stimuli. My first girlfriend had long flowing locks; and for me, long hair is a powerful stimulus even now, so many years later.
Other men report similar effects of their first sexual experience: it's as if the various sights and sounds present at that first sexual experience become an imprint for later turn-ons.
(Better tell your son to be careful where he first makes out - best if he does it at home in a safe, loving environment with contraception at hand. That way the rest of his sex life might be easier.)
Words can be a great turn on as well, especially for women. They represent the deeper emotions and desires which we normally have to keep hidden in "polite" society. Expressing them openly during sexual arousal can be a real turn-on.
The same logic applies to having sex in forbidden or risky situations: the additional adrenaline heightens the excitement and makes the stimuli more intense. This isn't really high science, though, it's more like common-sense. What is more difficult to explain are the paraphilias - the bizarre or outlandish sexual stimuli that some men need to reach orgasm: cross-dressing, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and so on.
Or even outlandish sexual fetishes: high heels, red lingerie, a dominatrix humiliating a man, and so on. Various theories have been put forward to explain all this: for example, one idea is that if a man feels guilty about sex, he might try to somehow transfer his sexual feelings onto objects like underwear, or high heels, which may or may not have an obvious sexual connotation.
It seems that in the most extreme forms, paraphilias can produce a high of orgasm which is far greater than normal sex for the person concerned.
To sum all this up, a man's childhood and adolescent sexual experiences may well have a powerful effect on what he finds arousing as an adult. Put simply, I suppose that a man's sexual drive is very adaptable and too powerful to suppress.
Even so I struggle to find any explanation of why things like Jockstraps, Lycra garments, and sexy underwear have a sexual connotation.
Perhaps they hint at the mystery of the body beneath, or they serve as a sexual stimulus in that they emphasize the part of the body which is explicitly sexual. A good section on paraphilias can be found in the links below.
Of course, it's great to feel the rising tide of sexual excitement that comes from being near a loved one, a sexual partner, or even a friend with whom you have a comfortable sexual relationship.
The subtlety of male arousal is such that even a glance, the touch of a lover's hand, the smell of a lover's hair, the sight or scent of their clothes (especially fresh off their body), can stir a man's sexual interest.
That, I think, is one of most exciting aspects of being a man - that sudden sexual excitement, the spontaneous erection (well, that's more of a teenage thing, I know), the surge of desire that takes one by surprise, the sheer urgent, sexiness of it all.......but don't get me wrong, I think sex with love is best of all.
Erection, orgasm and ejaculation
This is not about the best sex positions but more about what happens in a man's body during sexual excitement and arousal. You can find information on sexual position and techniques in the links below.
This is more about the actual physiological events in the male body that lead to those fantastic feelings of orgasm and ejaculation.
So, which comes first - orgasm or ejaculation? Are they the same thing? To understand this we need to look at the sexual response cycle. As it happens, this is only a grand name for the phases of arousal which we go through on the road to orgasm. There are four phases of sexual arousal: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.
This may last for hours or just a few minutes. Many a teenage boy has tried to persuade his date that being aroused will lead to "blue-balls", and that he needs to have an orgasm to release the pressure. I don't think that any harm comes from a prolonged phase of excitement, except that maybe it is a bit uncomfortable.
In men, there may be an increase in muscle tension, flushing of the skin, erection of the nipples, and of course erection of the penis, or a "hard-on".
Although you might not be aware of it, your testicles swell up, your scrotum tightens, and your penis begins to seep a lubricating fluid which is designed to lubricate the movement of the foreskin over the glans: this is the liquid known as "pre-cum", and it can be an exciting sexual stimulant in its own right - certainly as exciting as the lubrication which a woman produces from her vagina when she is entering her phase of sexual excitement.
An erection is produced when the brain sends a message down the nerve cells to the penis and stimulates the release of nitric oxide, a chemical that dilates the vessels that supply blood to the penis.
As a result, the central chambers of spongy tissue in the penis (the corpora cavernosa) fill with blood, which in turn constricts the veins that allow blood to leave the penis. The increased flow of blood to the penile chambers cannot escape, which causes the spongy tissue in the middle of the penis to swell up even more and make the penis become a rigid rod.
There are a number of things that can go wrong with this process, some of which are described on the Andropause and Mid-life sexuality crisis page of this web-site. But it would be wrong to assume that erectile difficulties are just the preserve of men over, say, forty, for they can affect men of any age.
In fact stress, anxiety - especially performance anxiety in sexual situations - illness, and so on, can all reduce a man's ability to achieve erection. If this is a problem for you, go to the table of links below and follow the link to the page of impotence information. There's no better collection of articles on male sexual and erectile difficulties anywhere on the net.
However, let us return to the story. Assuming that your penis is engorged with blood, and your erection is hard and firm, or, if you are middle-aged or older, perhaps slightly less firm than it once was, you are well into the phase of sexual excitement.
This can last for ages, although it is likely that a man who is excited but does not climax will lose his erection after a while. In the literature, this phase is known as the plateau phase, and it is considered to last as long as sexual arousal continues but orgasm doesn't occur.
In men, particularly young men, it is possible that arousal or excitement becomes so intense that a spontaneous ejaculation takes place, in which the body, rather inconveniently and perhaps embarrassingly, spontaneously causes the natural conclusion of the arousal process, not to mention an extra load of washing or dry-cleaning.
The excitement phase can be a rewarding experience in its own right, for during this phase your brain will produce natural endorphins which are the body's own natural pleasure chemicals.
In addition, of course, the feeling of an erection can be pleasant, as it puts pressure on the sensitive parts of the penis head. The longer the excitement phase goes on, the more intense the man's orgasm will be when he finally comes. In fact it is worth sacrificing the quick pleasure of a rapid orgasm for the greater pleasure of one achieved after an hour or two's arousal.
The reason for this is that the longer the excitement phase the greater the volume of seminal fluid which will later be ejaculated, because the prostate and other glands of the male reproductive system have longer to produce their fluids. Then, when ejaculation takes place, the greater volume of fluid will produce more intense and pleasurable contractions - as well as an impressive shower of ejaculate.
My experience is that no matter how satisfying a quickly attained orgasm can be, an hour or two spent on foreplay will actually make things better for the man as well as the woman (who, as we all know, generally needs that much more romantic foreplay to get to the same level of arousal as her man anyway) for, as I suggested above, as well as producing a much more intense orgasm, the volume of fluid ejaculated will be much greater.
Greater volume of semen always produces a more satisfying ejaculation. And when it occurs with or near female ejaculation, things can really hot up! You can discover more about female orgasms here: The Female Orgasm.
The next phase of sexual arousal is orgasm, which is usually accompanied by ejaculation for a man. Is there a difference between orgasm and ejaculation? It's an interesting question.
We always assume the two go together but they are not be as inextricably linked as we generally assume: as we shall see, a man can experience multiple orgasms without ejaculation. For the moment, though, assume they are the same thing.
Ejaculation cannot be stopped once it has started, for it is an involuntary process of muscular contraction and release of tension. But a man can control how quickly he ejaculates in a variety of ways.
Most obviously, he can increase the pressure on his penis by making deeper or harder thrusts during intercourse, or by more vigorous hand movements during masturbation, or by having his partner massage his prostate through the perineum or through the internal wall of the rectum via a finger inserted through the anus.
Another way is to contract the internal muscles which run through from his pelvic bone to his penis, a movement which will both speed up ejaculation and make it more intense. This is the basis of the so-called Kegel exercises for women, used when a woman has a weakness of bladder control.
In men, learning to contract and therefore strengthen these very same muscles will result in much more intense orgasms and a much more powerful ejaculation (I know this is true, because I've done it, and it really works! There are links below on all these matters if you want to follow up on them).
Once the level of stimulation has reached such a point that the final phase of sexual arousal is initiated, your body prepares itself for the great climax in all kinds of ways. Blood pressure goes up, your heart rate rises, your breathing becomes deeper and heavier, and involuntary contractions of muscles throughout your body may occur, producing a desire to thrust deeper into your partner's body, thereby increasing the likelihood that your semen will be deposited successfully inside her.
A man may wrap his arms involuntarily around his partner and hold on tightly, another reflex to stop her escaping at the moment of ejaculation.
Immediately prior to ejaculation itself, seminal fluid builds up in the bulb of the prostate gland. This produces that familiar sense of impending ejaculation - one of the finest moments of being a man.
Imagine you are with your partner, erect and excited, feeling that sense of urgent need for release from the incredible pent-up sexual tension you are feeling. In that split second of time between the moment you know you are going to come and the moment it happens, you hang suspended in space for an indefinable instant, awaiting the moment of ejaculation which defies all other pleasures.
Then, at the moment of ejaculation, the testicles are drawn up close to the body, the urinary tract to the bladder closes so that semen has to find its way out of the body through the penis, rather than being passed back into the bladder, and the series of muscular contractions of ejaculation take place.
These contractions occur in the muscles at the base of the penis, the muscles of the penis shaft, around the anal sphincter, the pubococcygeus muscle and the muscles of the rectum. They contract about eight times, maybe slightly more or less, at eight-tenths of a second intervals, and as they do so the seminal fluid containing sperm is expelled.
These contractions may lead to semen shooting out or just dribbling, depending on the condition of the muscles, how long it is since you last ejaculated, and the volume of fluid which has accumulated during the earlier phases of your sexual arousal.
Orgasm is the sensation that accompanies the ejaculatory contractions. It can be an energy flow, a sense of muscular contraction, an overall feeling of well-being. But not all orgasm are earth-shattering events! There are many reasons why they aren't all as good as each other, of course.
Perhaps one of the main reasons is that they do involve the whole body, and therefore simple things like levels of tiredness, fatigue, relaxation and stress will all have an impact on the intensity of the experience. Obviously, how aroused or randy you are feeling will also have an impact on your level of excitement and the intensity of the sensations during sex.
One indicator of the intensity of a person's orgasm is the degree to which their facial muscles undergo contortions or the loudness of their involuntary cries at the moment they come.
What is semen? A few facts about ejaculation
Semen is a mixture of sperm, secretions from the seminal vesicles, and fluid from the prostate.
The prostate secretions include prostaglandin, sugar to keep those little fellows going on their way to the egg, and water and minerals including zinc and calcium to keep their tails lashing furiously as they swim upstream.
Often the components of semen are not well-mixed, and there may be glutinous threads among the white emissions of the prostate; after a while semen liquefies and becomes much more uniform in texture.
There is a link below to a site which tells you all you could ever wish to know about the composition and analysis of semen. (By the way, if you don't already know, it is an intense irritant to the eyes, and produces the most unspeakable burning sensation if it gets near them. We discovered this perhaps well-known but unspoken fact as teenagers when one of my friends was in the back of his car with his girlfriend, while she masturbated him.
Such is the vigor of youth, he shot himself in the eye and then spent an agonized few minutes while she washed the semen out of his face. I'm rather sorry to say we all thought this utterly hilarious when he told us afterwards. Her reaction is not recorded. Anyway, don't try this at home to see if it's true - you really will regret it if you do!)
There is great variation in the volume of ejaculate, and indeed the age at which young men produce their first ejaculation. (You can get more information on age-related issues of sexual development from the Jackin'World website - see links below.)
The average volume is often quoted as 2 to 5 ml, the latter figure being about a level teaspoonful. I have to say that many men seem to produce more rather than less fluid as they get older, although this could be because their frequency of orgasm has decreased, of course, and they are storing it up between less-frequent ejaculations.
And many men seem very concerned that they are producing too little fluid, when they are in fact producing the average amount. As I mentioned above, if you want to produce more, all you have to do is to extend the early phases of sexual excitement for a longer time.
Most teenage boys will masturbate to orgasm with great regularity, perhaps twice a day. Others masturbate much more rarely. I think the thing to grasp is that whatever you are comfortable with is right for you.
On average at age 40 a man will ejaculate about two or three times a week. By age 60 he will probably be experiencing this pleasure about 35 times a year.
What's a wet dream for? It releases semen, sure, but most teenagers masturbate, so it's hardly likely to be an overflow mechanism. In fact, wet dreams seem to be closely related to testosterone levels, which are at their highest in young men, and decline steadily as a man ages.
Night-time erections are a normal part of all men's lives, unless they're impotent, of course. Most erections during sleep occur in the early hours of the morning when the testosterone levels in our blood is highest.
Multiple orgasms and ejaculation in men
Can a man orgasm several times on the trot with or without ejaculating? What about Tantric sex, of which we hear so much nowadays, where a man can prolong his pleasure indefinitely?
Well, there is no doubt that multiple orgasms are possible for a woman. A woman's sexual arousal declines much more slowly than a man's, even after orgasm.
She maintains a level of arousal from which it is possible to re-ascend the peaks of sexual pleasure several times in rapid succession.
But the interesting thing is that men can do this as well, provided they don't ejaculate: it's the refractory period - the time it takes to get aroused again after ejaculation - that prevents men being multiply orgasmic. If you don't ejaculate, you can learn to come as many times as you want.
Tantric sex and multiple orgasms
The first thing to discuss are techniques which stop ejaculation but which allow orgasm to proceed. These involve clamping down the muscles around the prostate, which stops ejaculation. This may allow the early muscle contractions of ejaculation to take place, but the ejaculation is stopped in its tracks.
If timed wrongly, this will lead to semen being forced up into the bladder. There isn't anything harmful about this, but this retrograde ejaculation is not something that enhances pleasure. Pleasure is provided by the experience of the early phases of orgasm repeated several times in succession.
To me, this sounds analogous to one of the techniques used to delay premature ejaculation: that is, bringing oneself to the brink of orgasm repeatedly by masturbation, then holding back ejaculation.
This technique can allow the man to hover on the brink of orgasm for a long time before he finally comes, and is said to produce intense orgasms.
The next technique is to keep an erection after ejaculating and carry on thrusting in your partner - I have tried this, and it is true that if I go through the initial discomfort of the post-ejaculatory sensitive glans, the orgasmic feelings are sustainable for several minutes - and this can approach the extended multiple male orgasm techniques of Tantric Sex.
Tantric Sex is about enhancing sexual energy flow through the body. Such energy flow activates the orgasmic responses of the body quite independently of the ejaculatory reflex. Tantra depends on high arousal and extended foreplay.
Whether or not you believe in Chakras and energy meridians is, I think, almost irrelevant, since a "non-believer" could regard such talk as a complicated way of describing a process of developing greater sensitivity to one's own body, the subtleties of energy flow within it, and the corresponding responses of your partner's body.
As it happens, I believe that the idea of controlling energy flow within the body to enhance sexual pleasure is in fact based on a real phenomenon, but I leave it to you to decide whether that is merely the stimulation of nerve pathways through sensitive points on the body, or the looping of psychic energy through the Chakras. (You can read more in the links below.)
Lastly, there is the oddity of being able to ejaculate and orgasm several times each in succession. There is an appeal on the web from Rutgers University for funding to expand their studies into male multi-orgasmic response, based on their proof that at least one man is able to orgasm many times in succession, with full ejaculatory reflexes, although with very small amounts of seminal fluid being produced.
The study is worth a quick look, although the fact that one man can do this doesn't mean much for the rest of us.
Ways to approach the highest pleasure - with or without multiple orgasm
There are many things you can do to enhance pleasure even if you are not into multiple orgasms.
1 Tone up your pubococcygeus muscle - perhaps more than anything else, this is the key to powerful, pleasurable, forceful orgasms and ejaculation.
Men who have always just dribbled at the moment of orgasm find they shoot semen out in a way they never have before - and I can testify from personal experience to how much better your ejaculation/orgasm will actually feel.
You can tone up the muscle by imitating the Kegel exercises which are prescribed for women with weak bladder control (it is in fact the same muscle in men and women, and the women who practice the exercise also experience more powerful orgasms).
2 Celebrate sex
By which I mean introduce a little ritual into your sexual time. Honor your love-making with soft lights, sweet music, candles, massage, flowers, perfume - that kind of thing. Concentrate on what you're doing - i.e. pay attention to sex and devote your time to it, not to the TV or household distractions.
Communicate with your partner through poetry, readings or verse, or something that you have written especially for her. Or him. These techniques are about the human soul, and whatever gender the two people having sex actually are, they both have a soul that is crying out for communication and contact with the soul of another human being.
3 Synchronize your breathing & touch each other lovingly
Synchronized breathing helps to establish the connection that I mentioned above. It works well when the two partners are close together physically, perhaps massaging and touching. (If you're interested, have a look at the "giving and receiving erotic massage" text accessed via the internet links below. This will give you a clue about how powerful a force such simple things can be for the unity of two people.)
The Welcomed partnership also emphasizes the benefits of sensuous massage. And there is a whole body of thought devoted to the idea that sexual contact this close and intimate can be healing to the spirit, and overcome problems of emotional disturbance, anxiety, and depression.
As it happens, I agree whole-heartedly, but I think it only works if the two people concerned genuinely love each other at a deep level and are prepared to open their souls to each other in a trusting way.
You can establish great intimacy by letting your breathing come into the same rhythm as that of your partner's, and by focusing on her body as you do so.
4 Enter her and then lie still
A true Tantric technique - very spiritual when it is combined with the visualization of energy flow between partners. But a word of warning: visualize such energy flow only if you really mean it in a warm and loving way. You might emphasize any negative feelings towards your partner if you do this when you you are feeling low, angry or hostile.
5 Establish and maintain eye contact with your partner for long periods during love-making
However awkward this may seem at first, it really does help to establish a bond between lovers.
6 Here is a comment I received from a reader: "I am 34 year old male. I have a very high sex drive. I just love sex and want to make a comment on multiple orgasms in males. I don't do this all the time but when I am really excited I can achieve two orgasms in succession. When I am ready to come, my partner and I stop all stimulation to the penis. The semen still pours out but when it is done I am not tender and I keep my erection.
I then resume where I left off and allow myself to come again. The first orgasm is not strong at all and the second has a different quality to a normal orgasm (brought about, by, say, manipulation). It is also a little harder than normal to reach orgasm the second time. I know this turns my wife on because she feels I am really excited by making love to her, which I am. However, I don't do this every time because I enjoy normal strong orgasms like any other guy."
No man wants to come quickly all the time. And you particularly don't want to come just when you enter her - or, worse, before you have got near her. And wearing two condoms doesn't help, either. Nor does math in your head, or thinking about your day at work.
The truth is that male animals are designed to be quick comers - it's all about that basic biological urge to mate as quickly as possible to reduce vulnerability to other males' hostile intentions towards you (or your harem) - or to be able to have a quick, sneaky fuck in the dominant male's harem before he notices. At least, that is what it once was. Nowadays, such basic biological urges are hardly helpful in our culture. So what can you do about controlling premature ejaculation?
The classic method is to learn to last longer during sex through practice. Masturbate yourself nearly to orgasm Then let your excitement decrease. Try to masturbate for, say, fifteen minutes without orgasm and without giving in to the urge to come.
Then gradually extend the period for which you can control your urge to come. This will give you greater awareness of your body's responses, and the signals that it sends out just before you come. The control you learn can be transferred to intercourse. Read about it here:
There is another method, which involves squeezing the head of the penis just before ejaculation, thereby reducing the urge to come, and sometimes reducing the man's erection, but subsequently allowing him to regain it and continue where he left off.
I have included several links to helpful sites with advice and information about these techniques in the links.
Staying hard - with or without Viagra
The story of Viagra is probably quite well-known by now - it was designed as a heart drug, but the trials seemed to do more for the men's sex lives than their circulation.
When the pharmacists looked into this, they found that Viagra has a special effect on the penis: it sustains the presence of nitric oxide in the penis, which is important because it is that chemical which promotes the penile blood vessels to dilate or relax and allow blood to flow into the penis more effectively.
This means a harder, firmer and longer lasting erection should occur. The drug is a fairly potent one, I think, and it has effects on many body systems other than the penis, because the enzyme which it has to inhibit so that the supply of nitric oxide is maintained is found not just in the penis.
This means it can cause side-effects such as a headache, a flushed face and a bluish tinge to one's vision. These effects, while alarming, are not a problem.
However, what in practice a doctor would wish to do is strike a balance between an effective physiological dose which hardens the penis, and one which is low enough to avoid producing unpleasant side-effects.
A typical routine might be for a doctor to prescribe a low test dose of perhaps 25mg (half of a 50mg tablet). The idea is to start low and work up. If there is some anxiety about the likely success of intercourse, it might be best to establish a suitable dosage through trying to masturbate.
Viagra, I should mention, is not a drug that will increase libido: there needs to be a pre-existing sexual urge or arousal, even if there is no erection, for it to work.
In other words, it is the ideal drug of choice if you have a sex drive but no erection. For men with a libido problem, a combination of Viagra and testosterone therapy has found favor with some doctors who have specialized in male reproductive dysfunction.
Viagra has been shown to be highly effective in reducing erectile dysfunction (impotence) - and an acceptable dose can be found for about 80% of the men who take it.
It may be that in the other twenty percent, the penile arteries are so clogged with fat that they simply cannot be induced to relax enough to produce enough blood flow for an erection.
But to make the point again, the results of the research studies show that it is not an aphrodisiac - it does not generate sexual desire.
It may, however, enable a man to keep his erection more easily and for it to last longer. This reduces the performance anxiety aspect of the cycle of interrupted sexual function which bedevils so many men past the age of forty.
Viagra is a prescription medicine, and therefore you need a doctor and pharmacist. Fortunately, the web has given us a new system of on-line consultations with doctors, linked to pharmacists who dispense over the net.
Protect yourself by buying from a reputable supplier and follow the instructions of the suppliers carefully, especially with regard to interactions between Viagra and other drugs, including those with which it should not be taken.
Updated 23 February 2020