Sex and Love
Foreplay almost always begins with the kiss - with the lover's or erotic kiss. There are other kisses, more or less distinctively sexual, which are given and received with such haste, embarrassment and awe that they belong rather to the prelude than to erotic play itself.
Such are, for instance, the kisses exchanged as part of certain games, and those which adolescent young people venture on, largely in a spirit of curiosity and experiment.
But all these varieties of the genus kiss lack the typical characteristic of the erotic kiss. For the erotic kiss is mutual; it is given and received from mouth to mouth with mutual pressure.
The erotic kiss itself is rich in variation. It may be a light stroking of lips with other pursed lips; from its lightest, faintest form, it may run the gamut of intimacy and intensity to the pitch in which the couple, sometimes for hours, mutually explore and caress the inside of each other's mouths with their tongues as profoundly as possible.
But the greatest penetration in kissing is not for all lovers the same as the maximum pleasure and stimulation.
The tongue is indispensable in the erotic kiss; this may take the form of vigorous and pronounced penetration, but in a much more subtly differentiated manner. Indeed, the tongue-kiss is most captivating when the tip of the tongue very lightly and gently titillates the beloved's tongue and lips.
Three senses are blended in the kiss: touch, taste, and smell. Sound should be conspicuous by its absence. The sense of smell is important here. There are differences and blends of the personal odors from the skin around the mouth aperture, from the cavity of the mouth and from the breath.
Probably the special scent of the skin is more important than is generally supposed. In any case there is much foundation to the derivation of kissing from the mutual nosing and sniffing of animals. In those human races who inhale or sniff instead of tasting when they kiss (or as we call it "rub noses"), the scent of the skin is probably felt as the predominant attraction, though the breath is also perceived.
And no doubt also the sense of touch receives impressions, though probably less finely graduated and intense than in the kiss from mouth to mouth. And one sensory element of the mouth and tongue kiss (buccal or buccolingual) is absent in the nasal kiss: the factor of taste. This is a factor which most people fail definitely to perceive.
But there is a faint yet undeniable difference in the kisses of different individuals or of the same individual at different times: a difference perceptible to the sense of taste, though hardly definable in words. It probably arises from the natural moisture of the mouth and the salivary glands.
We know that the composition of the saliva varies; we have tested this by physiological chemistry in strictly normal processes, such as pregnancy, and we know that various substances, introduced into the body, become incorporated in the saliva.
All this suffices to give a certain individual flavor to the moisture of the mouth and throat, and we must remember that flavor and odor are never entirely separable; and this gives individuality to kisses. For the erotic kiss, at least the longer and more fervent erotic kisses between lovers, are essentially, and in contrast to the formal, conventional kiss, not dry, but moist.
The moisture passes from each mouth to the other, even if in a very small amount. And many lovers, perhaps most, prefer an amount that is not very small. Other factors: The first is the peculiar tactile sensation afforded in kissing by suction, which is generally present, in greater or less degree, and which may be modified and varied, according to whether it is actively exercised, passively experienced, or a blend of both.
The second factor, unmentioned till now, is the use of the teeth in the kiss. They not only support the lips, but in the more passionate kisses they are often active agents.
Indeed, both the active and the passive partner feel a peculiarly keen, erotic pleasure in the tiny, delicate, gentle or sharp but never really painful nips man and woman exchange as the love-play quickens, especially when such caresses are applied in rapid succession and in adjacent places.
Love-play knows not only the erotic kiss from mouth to mouth; kisses on various parts of the body are also appropriate and acceptable at this stage of approach.
Such kisses can be soft or hard, according to the place to which they are applied - mouth and breasts are specially erogenous areas, but apart from them, it may be said that erotic sensibility increases, from the periphery towards the centre; from forehead and temples downwards over the cheeks and throat; from finger-tips along the palms and arms; from the insteps and ankles, up the calves and thighs, steadily increasing as the genital organs are approached.
A further diversity may be introduced here, in intensity of degree, by alternating light, stroking or "tickling" kisses with strong suction and pressure with the teeth. But, in contrast to the play of sensation in kisses from mouth to mouth, in which active and passive tactile feelings are reciprocal, the bodily kiss gives a very different kind of pleasure, according to whether it is given or received. Both feelings can be erotically delightful, and the more so if each partner can be, simultaneously, kisser and kissed.
In analyzing these caresses, it is evident that the stimulation received by the partner who is kissed are wholly tactile, whereas the partner who kisses receives through lips and tongue-tip and transmits to the conscious nerve-centers in the brain sensations both of touch and scent.
In fact, the body kiss gives play to a distinctly primitive olfactory or inhalation method - far more so than the typical mouth to mouth kiss of the West; and not only for the active partner but for the passive as well.
For the peculiar sensations which the nerves of the outer epidermis receive (from the current of air which varies in temperature from cool to warm, as it is inhaled or exhaled, and which almost resembles an irregular Intermittent pneumatic massage, and is certainly the chief agent here), are felt as extremely agreeable by many persons, and consciously registered as such (by women, especially). For the active partner the type of olfactory sensation received varies, of course, according to the kissed place.
The use of slight, gentle bites, in love is normal. Or rather nips, which do not break the skin. But of course, this does not mean that even these playful bites are exchanged in every erotic kiss; far from it.
Nevertheless, when the love-play culminates and the greatest possible intensity of feeling is expressed in kisses, both partners tend to use their teeth. Can the same be said of the real love-bite that breaks the skin and draws blood? Up to a certain degree - yes. But we are justified in drawing the line, both in the love-bite and anywhere else sexual pleasure is stirred, at the infliction or endurance of pain (bodily or mental), and of drawing it clearly and firmly at the first signs of cruelty.
The normal love-bite generally occurs at the more intense moments of erotic play or during actual sexual intercourse, whether in the swift crescendo of sensation or the supreme moment. The most favored places are in the man's body, the shoulder, especially the left shoulder, or the space just below the collar-bone; in the woman's the neck-again on the left side and the flanks of the abdomen.
This selection depends probably in part on relative bodily stature and positions in sexual intercourse, but also on obscure atavisms which we have not yet traced or understood. Women are more addicted to love-bites than are men.
It is not at all unusual for a passionate woman to leave a memento of sexual union on the man's shoulder in the shape of a little slanting oval outline of tooth marks. The bite occurs almost without exception during sexual intercourse or immediately afterwards, while the generally gentler, slighter, or at least less noticeable love-bites given by the man to his partner, are part of the erotic play before, or the final stage after, sexual intercourse.
But does this mean that the male partner is so much gentler than the woman? That he holds himself back, even in the supreme ecstasy of orgasm? No! far from it; that would be a poor and disappointing experience for the woman.
For there can be no doubt that women would not and do not believe themselves really loved unless they feel that the man is completely carried away by his emotion at the appropriate time. And many blue marks of bruises on women's arms are witnesses of the man's essential force of maleness, which expresses itself in a sort of absolute possession of the woman. And so both lovers can and do exult in a certain degree of male aggression and dominance - whether actual or apparent - which proclaims this essential force.
Hence the sharp hold on the woman's arms and her body. Hence too, the significant fact that this masculine erotic manifestation belongs to the moments of sexual intercourse itself, and not to its preliminaries. Hence, also, the intentionally energetic movements in sexual intercourse, to which many men sometimes resort, during the act, and which are even more appreciated by their partners than by themselves.
These movements generally precede ejaculation by the man and rarely occur when a man suffers from premature ejaculation. In such cases, it is incumbent on him to prevent early ejaculation and learn how to prevent premature ejaculation. There is a great program on controlling your ejaculation written by Lloyd Lester called Ejaculation by Command. This can reveal how you can control premature ejaculation without any danger of early ejaculation.
The feminine inclination to bite during the sexual act arises mainly from the wish to give a kiss more intense than is humanly possible. Love-play should and does not only express itself in kisses, but in touches and manual caresses in all degrees, from gentlest titillation and lightest stroking with the tips of the fingers, to gripping and pressing with the palm and fingers together, though here, too, as a rule the lightest touches are the most effective.
The stimuli given by manipulation are about equal for the active and the passive partner, although different in tone. They are strongest when activity and passivity alternate, and, above all, when they are simultaneous.
For the passive partner, the exact bodily area manipulated makes a great deal of difference. The importance of the erogenous zones, not identical in all individuals, means partners must explore and study each other's idiosyncrasies in this respect, and make frequent and fervent use of such knowledge. For the caresser, it is stimulating and delightful to know, feel and see the delight and stimulation one can give.
And pleasure shared is double pleasure indeed. And, of course, the specifically sexual organs and their environs are the main focus of attraction. Love-play reaches its maximum in contact with the external sexual organs. The breasts and nipples have extreme sensitiveness to contact by tongue, or finger, or by definite suction. These caresses give special delight when a certain degree of sexual excitement has already been reached. And this effect is further enhanced when the nipples themselves have become erect.
Erection of the nipple (mammillary erection) can occur either as a result of direct mechanical stimulation (touching, sucking) or by reflex action; or, more rarely, in response to purely psychological influences. Apparently, frequent mammillary erection develops increased mammillary sensitiveness. The sensation afforded is strongest if it coincides with stimulation of another erogenous zone, especially the clitoris.
When the nipple and the clitoris are simultaneously and delicately caressed, they mutually enhance each other's stimulation, and this double contact gives to many women the maximum of possible pleasure outside sex itself. It is, needless to say, incumbent on the man to learn how to last longer in bed in order to please his partner.
Mammillary stimulation is agreeable to the stimulator as well as to the passive partner, but generally to a lesser degree, -and in a predominantly mental mode, through the consciousness of conferred pleasure. For the structure and appearance of the nipples are not, per se, calculated to rouse strong erotic excitement.
The breasts, on the contrary, are erotically very conspicuously attractive. if there is any mental inclination to approach, the mere sight or outline of the bosom is somewhat exciting to men; and to touch this portion of the beloved woman's body increases desire. For the woman, too, this kind of caress - which must not be too rough - is full of sexual delight. Women desire their breasts to be admired and fondled.
In any erotic play executed with delicate reverence and consideration - and, above all, when the lovers have not become quite accustomed and attuned to one another - a considerable amount of time should be given to kisses and manual caresses before the genitals are touched.
The hand should lightly brush the abdomen, the mons pubis, the inner side of the thighs; alight swiftly on the sexual organs and pass at once to the other thigh. Only by a cautious and circuitous route should it approach the holy place of sex and tenderly seek admittance.
At this point begins genital stimulation. If the seeking and stroking hand was the man's, the thighs of his partner will have slightly separated at his touch, and her sex organs have become more accessible.
And if his previous caresses have caused a certain degree of excitement, these feminine organs will have received a larger blood-supply and begun to expand. The outer lips pout and part, revealing the clitoris and inner lips. And the glands of the vestibule moisten the vulva with their special clear and slippery secretion.
Thus the man's caressing hand has no difficulty in finding the vulva, and continuing its gentle endearments. These will be chiefly be around the clitoris, the tiny organ which projects in the centre; all the more so, as excitement will have already congested the clitoris, leading to its expansion and the retraction of its prepuce.
Thus the finger cannot miss the most sensitive spot of all (where the frenulum or rim is attached), and this sensitiveness is multiplied by the erection of the tiny organ. This form of contact - almost inadvertent at first - is acutely delightful to the woman and increases her desire, incalculably. And the man's increases in response, as he feels her pleasure at his touch.
And then there follow spontaneously and as a matter of course, the prolongation of clitoral titillation and friction, and of the adjacent structures: the inner lips, the vaginal opening, and the whole shaft of the clitoris; but the main focus of pleasure is the clitoris.
And this stimulation, to the accompaniment of kisses and words of love, continues and accelerates itself till the male member is introduced into the vagina; and with this, the aim and finale of the love-play is reached, and merges into the beginning of sexual intercourse. There is much more information on how to pleasure a woman here.
The manipulation of the male penis by the woman is very valuable and significant. A woman who has been fully initiated and possessed by the man she loves, invariably, almost automatically, wishes to touch and fondle his genitals, with her hand as soon as foreplay begins.
He will be, by that time, in full erection, or if not, will become so, at her touch; she tries to find the most acutely sensitive spots, or if she has knowledge and experience of them, she applies what she knows.
If the man receives too many powerful sensations before actual intercourse begins, then only a very little more is needed to bring about his ejaculation and orgasm.
If slight stimulation is sought, the front surface of the organ should be stroked, specially in the urethral area and rim of the glans or tip. Stronger sensations are caused if the shaft is clasped from above and encircled with palm and fingers; and by a definite rotary friction of the glans.
But the latter portion must be sufficiently lubricated by the thin mucus discharge or pain and inflammation will ensue, not pleasure.
Or, the shaft can be encircled as though by a ring. The most acute and subtle stimulation is caused by slight friction of the frenulum or band of the foreskin.
And if there is not the necessary excitement and desire on her part, sufficient to cause swelling of the labia, dilation of the vulva, and erection of the clitoris - then, as these manifestations are normal and desirable before sexual intercourse - it is both stupid and grossly selfish of the man to attempt it, if they are absent.
For it means that he will leave her ungratified. Prolonged local stimulation is the only means to save the situation here, for it is the only way to give the woman the requisite degree of local congestion and expansion and mental readiness.
If lubrication is not ample, any continuous friction of the vulva, clitoris and vaginal opening, whether during foreplay or sexual intercourse, causes pain instead of pleasure, and makes these tender tissues so irritable and inflamed that some artificial lube is used.
Water-soluble lubricants for intercourse contain no soap or strong antiseptics so that the necessary protracted friction causes no inflammation of the mucous membranes. They most resemble the natural secretions they replace.
But the most simple and obvious substitute for the inadequate natural lubricant is the natural moisture of the salivary glands. It is always available: of course, it has the disadvantage of rapid evaporation.
This form of substitute must be applied to the vulva, not once, but repeatedly. And this may best, most appropriately, and most expeditiously be done with a kiss of genital stimulation, or genital kiss: by gentle and soothing caresses with lips and tongue.
This type of stimulation has many advantages. First of all the lack of local secretion ceases to be a drawback, and even becomes an advantage.
Secondly, the acuteness of the pleasure it excites
and the variety of tactile sensation it provides, will ensure that the previous
deficiency is made good; i.e. that sexual excitement and desire reach such a
point - either by these means alone or aided by other endearments - heralding
mental and bodily readiness for a sexual communion, successful and satisfactory
to both partners.
The feelings of the passive partner, on the other hand, however strong their emotional undertones, are predominantly physical.
On occasions when the man's reactions are less rapid, such as during intercourse after fifty years of age, the woman may with advantage take the more active part during sex and give - instead of receiving - oral sex.
Then a certain feminine initiative and aggression brings a refreshing variety. Let her be the wooer sometimes, not always the wooed. She can express her love in a very desirable way, and be intensely gratifying to the man.
In this more evolved and richer harmony of relationship, the use and enjoyment of genital stimulation and the genital kiss, will depend wholly on inclination, temperament, individual sensibility and practice of both partners. They may be enjoyed alternately or sometimes simultaneously.