Sex and Love
Extended Sexual Orgasm (2)
When you're stimulating a woman to extended orgasm (or even an ordinary orgasm) you need to know when her arousal has dropped, or when she is resisting.
These are the tell tale signs that she's not fully into the process: she subtly pulls her pelvis or vulva away from you; or she shows less engorgement or lubrication; or she opens her eyes and looks bored.
There are two ways to deal with intrusive thoughts when you're being stimulated by your partner. The first is to accept that the thought has occurred, and then let it go: "Ok, I can think about that later. For now, I'm safe and happy. I'll focus back on what I'm feeling."
The second is to redirect your attention to the feelings you're experiencing and to relax into them. The partner who is doing the stimulating has the job of making sure the sensation is steadily available when their partner needs it.
If you sense your partner is coming down from a place of high arousal or if you think she's nearing orgasm, it can be tempting to speed up the stroke and apply more pressure to her clitoris.
But unfortunately this doesn't generally work for a woman in the way it would for a man who was being masturbated by his partner (or who was masturbating himself).
When you are stimulating a woman, it's better to let her work through her resistance by herself: you should simply continue to supply steady, rhythmic, reliable, and pleasurable stimulation.
That way, she'll have the sensation she needs to find her way to higher arousal and orgasm.
In addition, when you feel your partner resisting, back off slightly.
The slight change should help her refocus her attention on the sensation you're providing.
This can lead to a lot of conflict, which may end any chance of you being able to find out how to give her an orgasm in that sex session.
Many couples get stuck at this point. It's a tricky, difficult moment, loaded with frustration. Couples get stuck and eventually give up. The man's tired, the woman's tired, they're angry with each other.
He silently accuses her of resisting him. She silently accuses him of trying to force her to respond.
Both people forget the point, which is pleasure. No-one benefits.
women who want to get to orgasm during
intercourse is available on this excellent guide.
A helpful process is to analyze how you were both feeling and what was going on as your partner came to the blockage which stopped her getting to orgasm during sex.
It may also be helpful to stop for the day and resume later, or to switch roles so that the man goes for his extended orgasm.
In any event, the fact that you have come up
against a blockage like this means something very significant, so it's worth
spending a bit of time trying to work out what's happening. This will add depth
to your sexual experience.
You can find them by stopping the flow of urine while you pee).
The idea of using Kegel exercises to break through blocks in the flow of your arousal, or that of your partner, is that after you have contracted your pubococcygeus muscle, you relax it.
Relaxation is the opposite of tension, and tension, in turn, is the cause of the emotional blockage in the process of reaching higher arousal.
Of course, the blockage of arousal is
emotionally based tension, and the contraction of the PC muscle is physically
based tension, but the two go together, and when you relax physically, you relax
This shouldn't be
done hard enough to cause resentment or pain; it's merely another variation to experiment with.
This is because holding one's breath increases tension: and you need to be relaxed for this to work well.
A slow rhythmic
pattern of breathing at a rate of about twelve, and certainly no less than six,
times a minute, with each in breath going in through the nose, and each out breath
going out through the mouth, with a focus on relaxation as she exhales, should keep
her relaxed and enable her to achieve ever higher levels of arousal.
You know when someone is breathing abdominally because their belly swells - not just their chest.
They draw air deeply into their lungs by using their diaphragm rather than their intercostal muscles (which expand the chest cavity).
It's also helpful for her to keep the rest of her body relaxed while she breaths slowly, deeply and regularly.
Orgasm is - in part - a release of tension, it's true, and that's why you'll often see advice to the effect that the best orgasms come from building up tension in the body as much as possible in the run up to orgasm.
But that isn't the whole story - the tension needs to actually be focused in the genitals, and the rest of the body needs to be relaxed (for both men and women) for the orgasmic sexual experience to achieve its maximum intensity.
Eventually - building arousal, working through resistances, climbing and leveling and climbing - your partner will begin the regular one-second contractions of brief, Stage 1 orgasm. At that point switch your attention to her vagina.
She may want you to continue clitoral stroking during these first contractions. If so, do, but you'll probably need to lighten up.
Any but the lightest stimulation will probably be uncomfortable. You may need now to lift your hand entirely away from the clitoris.
You can move your fingers in and out of your partner's vagina in a motion imitating the thrusting of your penis, or sweep them around the vaginal barrel.
But the most effective stimulation is rhythmic stroking with one or two fingers of the area called the G spot.
An anatomy refresher: the G spot is the area about one and a half inches inside the vagina just behind the pubic bone in the center and front of the vagina.
It's one to two fingers wide, rubber- or sponge-like, firmer than the rest of the vaginal wall. It gets firmer still when it's stimulated, which makes it easier to find.
Remember, some women identify a general area rather than a particular spot. That's the area to stimulate.
If you directly stimulate the G spot much before orgasm, your partner may find it uncomfortable. But once orgasm begins, G-spot stimulation is arousing rather than uncomfortable.
The G spot can then take hard pressure, while the clitoris, which was stimulated before by regular stroking, now responds to more than the very lightest touch with something like pain. You've probably noticed a similar sensation.
Most men find touching the glans penis painful immediately after ejaculation. So pay attention to your partner's vagina rather than to her clitoris at this volatile time.
Female Extended Orgasm
When you switch attention to your partner's vagina while she's having orgasmic contractions, you continue to supply her with a high level of stimulation.
Whether you're moving your fingers in and out of her vagina or stroking her G spot with your fore- or middle finger, you should continue the regular, once-per-second rhythm you established when you stroked her clitoris earlier.
Continue building on that ten-to-one-or six-to-one, whatever worked best-cycle, increasing and decreasing pressure.
The deeper contractions involve the deep pelvic musculature, including the big muscles of the uterus. These deeper contractions are a pushing out, bearing down.
They last longer and are more pleasurable. They represent the physical basis for female
extended sexual orgasm: ESO. The push-outs in this first phase of ESO are variable in length, lasting from one to ten seconds each.
With the beginning of ESO your partner's vagina will respond to your stimulating finger by pushing out, as if the uterus were pushing toward the opening of the vagina and closing the vaginal space.
When you feel that pushing, your partner is beginning to have the deep pelvic orgasmic push-outs that may herald the beginning of ESO.
Soon your partner will begin to want more stimulation again.
You add pressure and speed up your stroke, and she begins to push out against your fingers again. That means you're supplying the right amount of stimulation.
You can continue at that level. Or you can increase the pressure and rate to bring on more climbing.
Higher arousal may eventually lead to resistance, and you will feel your partner's vagina again withdrawing, signaling you to lighten and slow your stroke.
Look for a push-out response then-that will mean your partner is experiencing her most rapid form of climbing. You should continue the kind of stimulation that best works to produce continuous waves of push-outs.
Within a few seconds you should notice contractions, either squeeze or push-out. That's your signal to redirect your stimulation to the vaginal trigger area again.
If your pattern of rhythmic stimulation is correct, the periods of time between contractions, squeeze or push-out, will be very brief - approximately one to five seconds.
Your partner's experience of continuous contractions of either kind will be longer-in the range of ten to thirty seconds.
When the leveling or resting periods disappear and her contractions are all deep push-outs, she has entered the expanded orgasmic phase, Phase
She can also be conscious of her breathing.
She'll be reacting rather than controlling. You'll be in charge of supplying the right stimulation. You need to feel in command.
As you learn what you're doing, you will. As long as you don't do anything to cause pain, your partner will let you - and should let you - control.
When the stimulation is right, she won't move toward you or away. She'll stay where she is, on the "orgasmic track," and enjoy what she's
feeling during intercourse or masturbation.
Instead of trying to make myself have orgasm, or being annoyed with him for not stimulating me right, I just kind of blanked out for a moment - and I started to have orgasm instantly.
Then, instead of tightening up after a few seconds, as I used to do just by habit,
I remembered to breathe and let my mind blank out again. And I kept on reaching
orgasm - I really know now how to
I kept breathing and letting my body do what it wanted to.
Your partner's body movements and vocalizing are likely to be much more obvious now, because she's experiencing much higher levels of arousal.
Moaning, jerky motions of her arms and legs, tossing her head, curling her toes and feet, panting, all are signs you should expect to see in the climbing stages as ESO continues.
The main sign that should guide your stimulation is the vagina pushing outward against
Contractions are the vaginal-squeeze, clenching type in the outer one-third of the vagina and reflex contractions of the anal sphincter.
Blood, which has been pooling in the pelvic area (vasocongestion), is pumped out and experienced as powerful, throbbing pulsations.
Then arousal declines steadily down to baseline, within a few minutes. This is orgasm as Masters and Johnson describe it in Human Sexual Response. Sexual researchers William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian have called it discrete orgasm.
Updated 23 February 2020