Sex, Love and
Relationships
Making love last a lifetime
It's important to keep on having sex into old
age: sex maintains good health, and it can definitely help to maintain love.
But life presents many challenges - the demands of work, family, stress, financial
pressure, and so on. How can we keep ourselves sexually active in the face of
so many conflicting pressures?
The first step is to maintain open and honest
communication. For example, if one partner is feeling sexual and the other is
not, then good communication can ensure that neither partner takes the situation
personally; in other words, you don't need to interpret the fact that your
partner's level of desire and arousal is lower than yours as a reflection of
how attractive you are. Rather, you can use certain techniques to harmonize
the relationship.
First, if your partner feels sexual and you
don't, be careful how you respond to their advances. To some extent their
self-esteem is bound to be related to how attractive they feel, and that in
turn is likely to be related to how you respond to any sexual overtures they may
make towards you. If you don't want sex, tell them so in a way which doesn't
hurt them. We all take our sexual attractiveness to others as a sign of our
self-worth. If you happen to be in bed, don't
roll over and go to sleep. Offer them a cuddle, and turn your front towards
them, so you can share feelings of love and affection, and touch and kiss
them.
Second, consider whether you could have sex
with them or not even if you think you don't feel like it. Sexual energy is
within all of us and available to most of us with very little effort - and if
you can summon it up in response to your partner's sexual advances it could
become energizing and revitalizing for you, especially if you have mastered
the advanced sexual techniques discussed on the Multiple
Orgasms pages of this website.
Third, if your reluctance to have sex is
based on disharmony in the relationship, then talk about what is going on, or
get some professional counseling help. If your lack of desire is simply due to
exhaustion or worry, then put an alternative time for sexual intimacy in your
diary and stick to it. This website has
a very helpful section
about improving sex.
Lastly, if you don't want to be sexual in the
sense of enjoying intercourse, there are many alternatives for you to
consider:
Make love with hands or mouth
If you don't want intercourse, but your
partner is looking for sex, then offering to masturbate them or give them oral
sex may be a good alternative. This can be fun and enjoyable for you as well
as your partner, and it certainly gives you a chance to see your partner's
body in a way that you wouldn't during normal intercourse. However, it may
still be too sexually charged for you, and you might therefore want to suggest
to your partner that they try this:
Self-pleasuring while lying in your arms
Yes, masturbation can be a fun thing for
couples to share. In fact I believe it is much better that they do, because one
partner very often feels excluded when they discover that their partner has
been secretly masturbating. Men in particular may think nothing of a quick wank,
but their female partners can be very upset and may feel very excluded if they
learn that their partner has been masturbating without their knowledge. While
men may not want to give up this source of self-pleasure, it's worth trying a
new approach, because there's a whole new depth of pleasure to be gained from
masturbating when you are in intimate contact with your partner. Very often
the sight of a partner masturbating is sexually arousing for the other partner
and will lead to them joining in. But whether this happens or not, such self-pleasuring
in a supportive environment is an excellent way to bridge the gap between two
partners whose sexual desire is unequal in strength and urgency.
There is always the alternative of masturbating
by yourself. But if you do this, make sure that you are not doing it in a way that
enhances feelings of shame or guilt about the activity! Self-pleasuring is a
fun thing, and it's certainly a natural part of human sexuality!
Massage and touch
Another great alternative to sexual contact
when you don't feel in the mood is massage. There are many ways to make this a
rewarding experience; alternating light an heavy touches, using feathers or
rabbit fur, using strokes of varying pressure and intensity, chopping, cupping
and so on. Touching does not have to be a two-way exchange: one partner can
touch the other for as long as they like with or without the expectation of
the touch being returned. Here's
a link to a great massage site, where you can find out some basic information
on how to do it. Here's a link to sensual
or sexual massage techniques for you to use on your lover. You have to
page down a little way to get through the verbiage and find the actual instructions
on how to massage someone. Here's
another page of massage information.
Touch alone is a great healer, and if you are
too tired to make love or massage each other, then at least touch each other
before you go to sleep. Touch can of course convey negative emotions as well
as positive ones, so it's worth ensuring that you feel positive towards your
partner before you do this!
There's an interesting fact about ageing
which suggests that men and women become more sexually compatible - at least
in terms of desire - as they get older. A man's testosterone level drops steadily
from about twenty years of age, while a woman's increases. Testosterone is the
hormone of sexual desire, so men and women may find that their sexual desire
becomes more equal as time goes by. But sex alone is not enough to sustain a
relationship: love and ever-increasing intimacy are the building blocks of
relationship.
One of the main sexual changes for women in
mid-life is that their level of desire often is much lower than it has been in
the past. There's no easy answer to this, though maintaining intimacy and a
desire for connection (which lies at the root of sexual intimacy) will go a
long way towards maintaining sexual desire. Another common symptom of the
post-menopausal years is a dry vagina - but there are plenty of lubricants on
the market which can help out here.
For men in mid-life or later, sexual urgency
and desire may decrease, but perhaps the most important change for them is
that their erections become more elusive. Often direct physical stimulation is
needed to get it up - a far cry from the days of youth when his erections
popped up all over the place for no apparent reason at all!
As time goes by, a man's
erection will also
be less firm than it was in his younger days. What's more, he will, from time
to time, find that his cock becomes soft during sex. This is so common as to
be considered normal, though that may be no consolation to the man in
question! Often his fear that he'll never have a hard cock again makes the
whole situation worse. But you know what? It isn't a disaster. First, there's
Viagra and its more recent counterparts, Levitra and Cialis. Second, it's
possible to enter a woman's vagina and have
intercourse
with a non-erect penis, and then pump it erect
insider her by using your PC muscles.
The way to do this is to circle the penis
with finger and thumb, then push the blood into the shaft and head by running
the circling fingers firmly along the shaft. A common variation of this technique is to use a rubber ring that
fits around the base of the penis and keeps the blood inside the penis. Often
a vacuum pump can be helpful in getting the penis erect in the first place.
It's important not to get to hung up about having an erection, and to stop
watching anxiously for it to arrive! In such a situation, a man's emotional
focus needs to be external - he can think of something that arouses him, for
example.
One of the major benefits of ageing for a man
is that his desire to ejaculate decreases markedly. He can naturally become a
long lasting lover without any fear of premature ejaculation! And a man's ability
to achieve multiple orgasms will also increase as he ages, since that skill is
linked to delaying ejaculation (or not ejaculating at all). And it's important
to remember that the loving exchange and the joy of lovemaking are probably
more important than having an ejaculation. What's more, most men over 50 will
find that if they do not ejaculate they will be able to achieve an erection
and have sex again much sooner than if they do.
Here's
an excellent website on impotence for men - it's useful for men of all ages,
but especially for older men.
A final thought: love is not based on the
quantity of orgasms you have but on the quality of the love and healing that
you experience in your relationship with your partner.
Other sites you may find helpful. We
believe these are the best resources on the internet.
If you'd like a link exchange
you can email your comments, queries and
problems to:
moreinfo "at" sexinhumanloving.com Sexual Health
Information
San Francisco Sex Information Open and
informative website for all men and women, genders and ages
SexualHealth.com: Medical sexual
health information website
Sexual health resource
page of Equip (Electronic Quality Information for Patients), NHS
Sexual
Development
Better
Sex.com: Information on developing your sexuality with a well stocked
integrated shop
Body Electric School:
Sensual massage courses
Centre for Sex and Culture:
Workshops and information on sex education
Carol
Queen: Writer, academic and organiser in the lesbian/gay community
Eminism.org:
Web site of Emi Koyama, activist/author and academic in the area of intersex,
sex worker's rights gender studies
Healthy
Sex.com: Web site by author Wendy Maltz to promote responsible enjoyment
of sex
Jamey Waxman: Academic, sexual
editor and author
Tantra.com: Info and shop on tantric sex
Two
Tall Blondes at Home: Website for Barbara Carrellas and Kate Bornstein,
urban tantric sex and more
White Lotus East: Tantric sex
and Eastern techniques
Sexual Entertainment
Annie Sprinkle: Funny and sexy
Candida Royalle: Adult movies made by Candida Royalle for couples
Clean
Sheets: Online erotic magazine: Poetry, fiction and serials
Clitical.com: Adult
entertainment, sex tutorials and erotic stories
Ducky DooLittle:
Author of the book 'Sex with the Lights on'.
Editrixabby: Fun with sexual
obsessions and fetishes
For Your Pleasure: Ever wanted
to organise sex toy parties for a living?
Good
Vibrations: Online sex shop with a great selection of all sorts
Joan
Elizabeth Lloyd: Author of erotic novels with an extensive internet forum
Joani
Blank: Author and founder of Good Vibrations
LIBIDOFilms: Erotic films that are
inclusive, gender-equal and affirmative
of sexuality, based in Chicago, USA
Margaret
Cho: Web site for the performer and comedian
Miss Vera's
Finishing School: America's only cross dressing academy for boys who
want to be girls
Rachel Kramer Bussel: Writer, editor and artist
Susie
Bright's Journal: Blog, movies and podcasts
Soulgasm:
Web portal to erotica on the web
Tiny
Nibbles: Open Source Sex blog and more by Violet Blue
Sexual Health Products
Buy Cialis Online:
Exclusive information on erectile dysfunction, sexual health and Cialis
along with Cialis benefits, usage and prescription. Buy Cialis here at the
lowest available rate and get quick delivery at your door step.
Sex Therapists
Love Takes Time: Marriage
counsellors working from a Christian perspective
Dr. Betty Dodson
Online Index: Website of the author of 'Sex for One'
Spiritual Sexuality: Ina
"Laughing Winds" Mlekush M.A. is a senior teacher of Chuluaqui Quodoushka
Ancient teachings of Spiritual Sexuality and a Sex Counsellor with a Masters
in Psychology. Private Practice in Arizona, USA
TheRelationshipSpecialists.com: Excellent web site on relationship
issues and couples therapy by Paula Hall
Psychotherapists in general
Elan Psychotherapy Centre:
Transactional Analysis and Integrative Psychotherapy Training Centre
Women's sexuality
Gain: Gynaecological Awareness
Information Network; support with medical issues such as infertility and
cancer.
Real Women Project:
Sponsoring the development of women
The-clitoris.com is one of the
oldest and best women's sexuality sites on the internet. It's comprehensive,
written from an easily accessible point of view and contains solid, reliable
advice and a host of women's accounts of their sexual experiences.
Men's sexuality
Jackinworld.com: Male masturbation
resource
Sexology
The Kinsey Institute
for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction
Relationships
The Brave Project: Bradford
Reducing Anger and Violent Emotions. Violence Prevention Programme against
domestic violence
Love Is Great ... all about love &
loving relationships! |
