Sex and Love 

Extended Sexual Orgasm (2)

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When you're stimulating a woman to extended orgasm (or even an ordinary orgasm) you need to know when her arousal has dropped, or when she is resisting. These are the tell tale signs that she's not fully into the process: she subtly pulls her pelvis or vulva away from you; or she shows less engorgement or lubrication; or she opens her eyes and looks bored.

Any kind of intrusive thought may take her away from you and this process: thoughts about you, what you're doing, about dinner, the laundry, the children, her boss, her job, her body, her sexuality, the smell of her vagina, and so on....and on... and on...

Controlling irrelevant
thoughts

There are two ways to deal with intrusive thoughts when you're being stimulated by your partner. The first is to accept that the thought has occurred, and then let it go: "Ok, I can think about that later. For now, I'm safe and happy. I'll focus back on what I'm feeling."

The second is to redirect your attention to the feelings you're experiencing and to relax into them. The partner who is doing the stimulating has the job of making sure the sensation is steadily available when their partner needs it.

If you sense your partner is coming down from a place of high arousal or if you think she's nearing orgasm, it can be tempting to speed up the stroke and apply more pressure to her clitoris. But unfortunately this doesn't generally work for a woman in the way it would for a man who was being masturbated by his partner (or who was masturbating himself).

When you are stimulating a woman, it's better to let her work through her resistance by herself: you should simply continue to supply steady, rhythmic, reliable, and pleasurable stimulation. That way, she'll have the sensation she needs to find her way to higher arousal and orgasm.

In addition, when you feel your partner resisting, back off slightly. The slight change should help her refocus her attention on the sensation you're providing.

When you just can't get anywhere!

Sometimes you may find that your partner just can't get aroused any more, so that after you've been masturbating her for some time her arousal begins to decrease. This can lead to a lot of conflict, which may end any chance of you being able to find out how to give her an orgasm in that sex session.

Many couples get stuck at this point. It's a tricky, difficult moment, loaded with frustration. Couples get stuck and eventually give up. The man's tired, the woman's tired, they're angry with each other.

He silently accuses her of resisting him. She silently accuses him of trying to force her to respond. Both people forget the point, which is pleasure. No-one benefits. Advice for women who want to get to orgasm during intercourse is available on this excellent guide.

The answer is to talk it thorough, affectionately and in a friendly way, without blaming the other, to see if you can gain any insight into what has happened.

A helpful process is to analyze how you were both feeling and what was going on as your partner came to the blockage which stopped her getting to orgasm during sex. It may also be helpful to stop for the day and resume later, or to switch roles so that the man goes for his extended orgasm.

In any event, the fact that you have come up against a blockage like this means something very significant, so it's worth spending a bit of time trying to work out what's happening. This will add depth to your sexual experience.


Use Kegel exercises to overcome blockages

Kegel exercises are done by repeatedly contracting and relaxing the pubococcygeus muscles (basically these are the sexual muscles surrounding the vulva, vagina, penis, prostate, perineum and anus. You can find them by stopping the flow of urine while you pee).

The idea of using Kegel exercises to break through blocks in the flow of your arousal, or that of your partner, is that after you have contracted your pubococcygeus muscle, you relax it. Relaxation is the opposite of tension, and tension, in turn, is the cause of the emotional blockage in the process of reaching higher arousal.

Of course, the blockage of arousal is emotionally based tension, and the contraction of the PC muscle is physically based tension, but the two go together, and when you relax physically, you relax mentally.

Resistance can sometimes be overcome in an unexpected way: a light slap on her clitoris, or the opening of her vagina, can sometimes help to startle her resistance away. This shouldn't be done hard enough to cause resentment or pain; it's merely another variation to experiment with.

Breakthrough breathing

If a woman holds her breath for a long time during the masturbation session, it may stop her arousal increasing. This is because holding one's breath increases tension: and you need to be relaxed for this to work well.

A slow rhythmic pattern of breathing at a rate of about twelve, and certainly no less than six, times a minute, with each in breath going in through the nose, and each out breath going out through the mouth, with a focus on relaxation as she exhales, should keep her relaxed and enable her to achieve ever higher levels of arousal.

As you may already know, breathing that is most effective in bringing body and mind together in harmony is deep abdominal breathing. You know when someone is breathing abdominally because their belly swells - not just their chest.

They draw air deeply into their lungs by using their diaphragm rather than their intercostal muscles (which expand the chest cavity).

It's also helpful for her to keep the rest of her body relaxed while she breaths slowly, deeply and regularly. Orgasm is - in part - a release of tension, it's true, and that's why you'll often see advice to the effect that the best orgasms come from building up tension in the body as much as possible in the run up to orgasm.

But that isn't the whole story - the tension needs to actually be focused in the genitals, and the rest of the body needs to be relaxed (for both men and women) for the orgasmic sexual experience to achieve its maximum intensity.

Eventually - building arousal, working through resistances, climbing and leveling and climbing - your partner will begin the regular one-second contractions of brief, Stage 1 orgasm. At that point switch your attention to her vagina.

She may want you to continue clitoral stroking during these first contractions. If so, do, but you'll probably need to lighten up., Any but the lightest stimulation will probably be uncomfortable. You may need now to lift your hand entirely away from the clitoris.

Continue vaginal stimulation through these first orgasmic contractions and after they taper off.

You can move your fingers in and out of your partner's vagina in a motion imitating the thrusting of your penis, or sweep them around the vaginal barrel.

But the most effective stimulation is rhythmic stroking with one or two fingers of the area called the G spot.

An anatomy refresher: the G spot is the area about one and a half inches inside the vagina just behind the pubic bone in the center and front of the vagina.

It's one to two fingers wide, rubber- or sponge-like, firmer than the rest of the vaginal wall. It gets firmer still when it's stimulated, which makes it easier to find. Remember, some women identify a general area rather than a particular spot. That's the area to stimulate.

By stimulating your partner's vagina when her orgasm begins, you'll cause a sharp increase even then in her arousal. If you directly stimulate the G spot much before orgasm, your partner may find it uncomfortable. But once orgasm begins, G-spot stimulation is arousing rather than uncomfortable.

The G spot can then take hard pressure, while the clitoris, which was stimulated before by regular stroking, now responds to more than the very lightest touch with something like pain. You've probably noticed a similar sensation.

Most men find touching the glans penis painful immediately after ejaculation. So pay attention to your partner's vagina rather than to her clitoris at this volatile time.

Female Extended Orgasm

When you switch attention to your partner's vagina while she's having orgasmic contractions, you continue to supply her with a high level of stimulation.

Whether you're moving your fingers in and out of her vagina or stroking her G spot with your fore- or middle finger, you should continue the regular, once-per-second rhythm you established when you stroked her clitoris earlier.

Continue building on that ten-to-one-or six-to-one, whatever worked best-cycle, increasing and decreasing pressure.

This internal stimulation creates a deeper kind of contraction than the outer one-third vaginal muscle contractions of brief, Stage I, or multiple orgasm. The deeper contractions involve the deep pelvic musculature, including the big muscles of the uterus. These deeper contractions are a pushing out, bearing down.

They last longer and are more pleasurable. They represent the physical basis for female extended sexual orgasm: ESO. The push-outs in this first phase of ESO are variable in length, lasting from one to ten seconds each.

The vagina responds to single orgasm by tenting - by enlarging at the back and lifting up into the body. To a finger inserted into the vagina, that response feels like a loosening and a pulling away.

With the beginning of ESO your partner's vagina will respond to your stimulating finger by pushing out, as if the uterus were pushing toward the opening of the vagina and closing the vaginal space. When you feel that pushing, your partner is beginning to have the deep pelvic orgasmic push-outs that may herald the beginning of ESO.

When you feel your partner's vagina drawing back - pulling away - then she's leveling, and you should lighten the pressure you're applying inside the vagina and slow your stroke. Soon your partner will begin to want more stimulation again.

You add pressure and speed up your stroke, and she begins to push out against your fingers again. That means you're supplying the right amount of stimulation.

You can continue at that level. Or you can increase the pressure and rate to bring on more climbing.

Higher arousal may eventually lead to resistance, and you will feel your partner's vagina again withdrawing, signaling you to lighten and slow your stroke.

When she starts to level-when there's a pause in her climbing-switch your attention away from the vagina and return your attention to stimulating the clitoris.

Stimulating the clitoris at this point usually results in one or more squeeze contractions. Those contractions signal that you should once again switch your attention to the inner trigger area of the vagina. Look for a push-out response then-that will mean your partner is experiencing her most rapid form of climbing. You should continue the kind of stimulation that best works to produce continuous waves of push-outs.

Two factors determine the intensity and frequency of your partner's push-outs: the speed, pressure, and location of your stimulating inner finger or fingers; and your partner's skill at letting go of her resistances to climbing continuously toward more pleasure.

When your partner's climbing stops-when her pushouts cease-once again immediately shift your attention from the G spot and focus more on the clitoris.

Within a few seconds you should notice contractions, either squeeze or push-out. That's your signal to redirect your stimulation to the vaginal trigger area again. If your pattern of rhythmic stimulation is correct, the periods of time between contractions, squeeze or push-out, will be very brief - approximately one to five seconds.

Your partner's experience of continuous contractions of either kind will be longer-in the range of ten to thirty seconds.

As you continue this pattern for fifteen minutes or more you will find that the brief resting-leveling---periods occur less and less frequently and your partner has contractions more and more of the time. When the leveling or resting periods disappear and her contractions are all deep push-outs, she has entered the expanded orgasmic phase, Phase 2 ESO.

During ESO practice you will be more in control of the stimulation than your partner. She will have some control of voluntarily pushing out and withdrawing her pelvis, just as she had some control of moving toward your hand or away when you were stroking her clitoris earlier. She can also be conscious of her breathing.

But much more than before, she will be lost in feeling and will be doing very little thinking. She'll be reacting rather than controlling. You'll be in charge of supplying the right stimulation. You need to feel in command.

As you learn what you're doing, you will. As long as you don't do anything to cause pain, your partner will let you - and should let you - control. When the stimulation is right, she won't move toward you or away. She'll stay where she is, on the "orgasmic track," and enjoy what she's feeling during intercourse or masturbation.

One of our clients, a young woman named Roberta, beautifully articulated the experience of breaking over into ESO. She commented pointedly at the same time on the subtleties of resistance.

"I was amazed at what happened," she told us about her first ESO experience with her boyfriend, Albert. Instead of trying to make myself have orgasm, or being annoyed with Albert for not stimulating me right, I just kind of blanked out for a moment - and I started to have orgasm instantly.

Then, instead of tightening up after a few seconds, as I used to do just by habit, I remembered to breathe and let my mind blank out again. And I kept on reaching orgasm - I really know now how to achieve orgasm! I kept breathing and letting my body do what it wanted to.

"It felt so good," Roberta finished with a grin, "I thought to myself that I never wanted it to stop. Then I got scared. Then, instantly, it did stop!" We're glad to say it started again for Roberta as she gained more experience at letting go. More information on ways you can overcome premature ejaculation.

Communication can continue during ESO just as it did before - with body movements, with your careful reading of your partner's responses, with vocalizing. Your partner's body movements and vocalizing are likely to be much more obvious now, because she's experiencing much higher levels of arousal.

Moaning, jerky motions of her arms and legs, tossing her head, curling her toes and feet, panting, all are signs you should expect to see in the climbing stages as ESO continues. The main sign that should guide your stimulation is the vagina pushing outward against your fingers.

During leveling periods of ESO, your partner will usually be more quiet, her body stiller, and her pelvic contractions of the squeeze type.

In single, brief orgasm (Stage I), arousal increases with stimulation through an excitement phase to an orgasm of one-second contractions lasting from about three to twelve seconds. Contractions are the vaginal-squeeze, clenching type in the outer one-third of the vagina and reflex contractions of the anal sphincter.

Blood, which has been pooling in the pelvic area (vasocongestion), is pumped out and experienced as powerful, throbbing pulsations. Then arousal declines steadily down to baseline, within a few minutes. This is orgasm as Masters and Johnson describe it in Human Sexual Response. Sexual researchers William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian have called it discrete orgasm.

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